I Love You So Much

Twenty-four hours since returning from Haiti, I've spent this rainy, windy, hurricane day trying to process all the things I encountered in the last week. 

If you know me, then you have probably heard of a place called La Sous, Haiti and a little boy, named Pippin. 

After a year and a half absence from Haiti, the Lord allowed me to return to that beautiful little village and reunite with many loved ones that I have missed so much. 

In the weeks leading up to this trip, I was nervous about going for several different reasons. I had a lot of doubts and questions for God. "How much has changed since I was last there?" "Have I missed too much?" "Will they understand why I've been gone?" "Will Pippin still want to spend time with me? Does he think I forgot about him?" 

After a long day of Haitian travel, we arrived in La Sous well past dark; we stepped off the boat, set up our tents and went straight to sleep. Not until the next afternoon did I see Pippin. He was quiet. I hugged and told him I'd missed him. He didn't say much; I was worried. 

Later I walked through the village to his house to visit with his family. Pippin sat on the porch away from us. I chatted with his parents and told them I couldn't believe how much Pippin had grown in the past year. We laughed as I reminisced on how young he was when I first met them, how I used to carry him through the village and hold him as he fell asleep during long Haitian church services. 

"Those days are long over now," I remarked to his parents. Pippin walked over and stopped in front of me. "You're much too grown up to be carried around anymore, but one day I'll be a little old lady and you'll have to help carry me around," I joked with him. Half-kidding, half-serious I then asked him, "Are you going to forget about me when I'm old?" He stared at me for a few seconds and then grabbed my hand; "No.....I love you sooo much," he responded in English to me. It's the only English phrase he knows. I began to cry as soon as he said it. After all of my worrying, it was such a sweet and heartfelt response, a reassurance. 

Today as the hurricane passed over my city, and I washed load after load of clothes from out of my suitcase, I thought about that conversation. I thought about how thankful I am that Pippin does know how much I care. That he didn't stop loving me just because I'd been gone and that he'd promised he would love me through the years to come.
 And then, once again, just as he has done before, the Lord used Pippin to remind me of an important promise. ––
God has never and will never stop loving me either. And more so than the love of any person, his love is perfect. He will never leave me or forsake me. His love for me never changed despite how young I was or how old I'll get. He's never changed his mind about loving me regardless of how long I've been gone or how lost I've been. At my lowest point, even in my doubts and my fears, God has always looked at me and promised, "I love you SO much." 

He loves YOU so much. And that will never change. Not in our doubts, our mistakes, our selfishness, our loneliness, our skepticism. Not in the deepest sins we could find ourselves will he ever stop loving us. 

"For God SO LOVED the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him (WHOEVER: the addict, the abuser, the lost, the broken hearted, the sinner) will not die but have life forever through him." John 3:16

He Has Sent Me

In just over a week I will begin my second year of teaching. I can hardly believe its been a year since I found out I was about to start my first year as a teacher. At that point (and still now) I had no expectation of becoming a teacher or even that I would be living in Augusta, GA. But God's will is often that; far greater and different than my plans and expectations.

If you know me at all, then you are probably well aware of the love and passion for the country of Haiti that God has given me. You may also know that a little over a year ago, my assumption was that I would actually be living and serving in Haiti; Augusta was not on my radar.

Over the past year I have wrestled back and forth wondering why this is the case. God has made very clear that part of my purpose in this life is to love and serve Him, by ministering to the people of Haiti (as well as allow them to love me so well). At the age of 13, the Lord told me explicitly that I was going to be a missionary. It wasn't until three years later that I finally accepted that command and another year later that I went on my first "mission" trip to Haiti. I knew immediately that Haiti, more specifically the island of La Gonâve, was the place that God wanted me to serve. What I didn't understand yet was actually what God meant when He said I was going to be a missionary.

The past few years, and especially recently, God has taught me what it means to be a missionary. Simply put, Christian = Missionary. The command to preach the gospel to all nations is a command for all followers of Jesus, not just some. There are not a select or special few that are "called" to be missionaries, rather an explicit direction for ALL believers. But don't take my word for it:

Matthew 28:18-19 " Jesus came and said to them, All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all I have commanded you. And I will be with you always, to the end."

Acts 1:8 " you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in Judea and Samaria and to the end of the earth."

Psalm 67:1-2 "May God be gracious to us and bless us and make His face to shine upon us, that Your way may be known on the earth, Your saving power among all the nations."

Because of these commands that God has set forth for His people, I have learned a new definition for what it means to be a missionary and now am obligated to be obedient to God's definition. That means that a missionary can be a multitude of things. Just within my own circle of friends I see them as missionaries in car dealerships, medical schools, writing about fashion in New York City, playing music, pastoring at churches, and living simple in foreign nations. For me, right now, being a missionary is teaching high school history at a small, private school and loving the friends and family God has placed around me; it wasn't on my agenda for now but its where God wants me to be. And is His placement not better than any other thing we could possibly plan? Unexpected and trying at times? Yes. But better? No doubt.

So that is why I am here and not somewhere else. For those who know me as "the girl who loves Haiti" and "the one who wants to move to Haiti" those things are true of me. But what I desire to be even more true is that I want to be where God wants me, regardless of my desires, goals and plans.
It has been a transition and often my heart aches for the life I thought I'd be living right now, for the friends and family I have in Haiti. Not at all have I left behind or stopped caring about them or desiring to go back. But my ministry to Haiti for now is prayer more than anything else and supporting the ones God is instructing to go there and live.
If I truly love Haiti, the people of La Gonâve, my precious godson (and I do more than words can express) then I will listen when God says don't go, just as quickly as I do when He says go.

In fact, if I truly love God, love anyone, I will be obedient to Him regardless of what it means. If it means staying or going, if it means speaking up or staying quiet, if it means fighting harder or letting go, I will do as He leads.

1 Samuel 15:22 “Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice"

2 John 1:6 "And this is love, that we walk according to his commandments; this is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, so that you should walk in it."

The Writing on the Cross

Lately, a heavy wave of questions have consistently confronted me. With questions, usually comes the need to find answers. Recently I have not found many answers to many of the situations that seem so pertinent in my life; "should I speak up or stay quiet?" "do I stay here or do I go?" But I think, that a lack of answers is exactly where the Lord wants me to be, because where I lack, God proves faithful and sufficient. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to fully trust that the Lord is our provider, our strength, our comfort, our hope.

One reason that I struggle believing God's promises, is that in the midst of all the things that seem uncertain, other, more personal questions interrogate me. "Am I a good enough teacher? Am I a good enough friend, family member, god-mother; am I good enough?" "Do people know I care? Am I serving enough, working hard enough, doing enough?" Satan often tempts us with these questions about our ability. Because really, these inquiries are questioning our identity. When I worry about these questions, I'm really doubting whether God's promises are true. Is God truly who He says He is? Am I who He says I am? Does He really love me? Can I trust Him?

Despite my doubt, my fear and mistrust though, God continues to pursue me and show just how trustworthy He is. How faithful are His promises, how steady is His love. God reiterates His promises to us throughout all of scripture. Not long ago, God showed me evidence of His devotion in two unsuspecting verses of scripture.

Many people are familiar with the story of Jesus' crucifixion. When I was reading the passage in John 19, God overwhelmed me with His voice. 


As the Jews delivered Jesus over to Pilate and finally convince him to allow Jesus be crucified, the chief priest and Pilate share a brief exchange.
"So they took Jesus... There they crucified him, and with him two others, one on either side, and Jesus between them. Pilate also wrote an inscription and put it on the cross. It read, 'Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews.' Many of the Jews read this inscription, for the place where Jesus was crucified was near the city, and it was written in Aramaic, in Latin, and in Greek. So the chief priests of the Jews said to Pilate, 'Do not write, ‘The King of the Jews,’ but rather, 'This man said, I am King of the Jews.’ Pilate answered, 'What I have written I have written.'” 


Through the words of Pilate God speaks. He declares once more, that our identity is found within Christ. It was paid for and given to us, right there at the cross.

Although the world questions who we are (as they did with Jesus), God's authority overrides it all. If we know God, He has written down our name in His kingdom. He has inscribed for us an identity through His Son. And regardless what our enemies, or the enemy wants to say about us, we are sons and daughters of the King. What God has written, He has written. Our identity is secure in God just as Jesus' was, no matter what the Jews said about him.

Today, I hope we walk in the confidence and freedom knowing that we don't just say our identity is in Christ, but know that we are sons and daughters. We know we are worthy. We know we are loved. We know God has a purpose for us. 

"What He has written, He has written."