Looking Past the Wedding Day

Ten years ago, I was imagining ten years ahead and it looked dramatically different than my present life.
In that image, I was married, in the process of having or adopting children, living in a house that I owned, and happy. Things weren't perfect, but they were for the most part easy. In this image, I had "made it."
Ten years ago that image didn't include a specific person, but within a few years, it did. When things got difficult I remember thinking that if we could just make it to the wedding day, if we could make it to getting married then it would all be okay; we will have "made it."

I suppose imagining our future is a natural inclination. And when I was young, the images of my future were founded on the the fact (assumption) that I would be married.
I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with imagining our future. The problem with my image though, was my definition of "made it." And the assumption of easiness that would follow. Like many young people, my vision of the future was unrealistic in the sense that life would ever get easier after I had made it to a certain point. I was defining my life by events.
In my visions, the problem was really that I wasn't looking past a wedding day. I associated marriage with that day and a few others. I didn't imagine events that were ugly, only beautiful. Buying our first house, going on vacations, having children, serving God together.

I didn't think much about the process to these events or the process that would occur after – the process that often includes ugliness and pain and difficulty. The moments that no one warns you about – the ones that aren't supposed to happen.

I'm not living any part of that vision I had for myself ten years ago.
I'm now both a spectator and a participant in situations and events that were never supposed to happen – the ones that no one warned me about – the ugly and painful and difficult ones.
Lately I've been looking at these situations and trying to envision the future of them. How they will work out, how they will come to a beautiful end. I've been praying and reading scripture looking for something to confirm this beautiful vision of the future – one where everything turns out like its "supposed to."

But how are things supposed to turn out? Today, God put this question in front of me. And I'm realizing that more than once, I haven't looked past the wedding day.

About ten years ago, is the same time that I accepted God's command to be a missionary. I knew that life following the Lord wouldn't be perfect but I didn't realistically consider what it would be. I didn't see past saying "I do." I thought that being a missionary meant a certain job in a certain foreign place. But now I know that missionary is basically synonymous with Christian. I also know that getting a certain job or being in a certain place doesn't mean I've "made it" as a follower of Jesus.
Just like saying "I do" doesn't mean you've made it in a marriage. Making it work means choosing each day, sometimes moment by moment to love each other – even when the moments aren't beautiful. Likewise, saying "I do" to God is more than just what I used to envision. It's more than the beautiful moments. The ones where God responds in the way I expect, where he works obvious miracles and nothing bad happens to me or the people I love.

But "I do" is about so much more than the beautiful moments. It's the unexpected and ugly ones too. It's the ugly cries, the ugly situations, the ugly problems without immediate solutions.
It's my own ugly sin.
In all of this though, there is a steadfast beauty. The beauty that God did see past " I do." He saw everything and he still chose me.
He saw that I would doubt his love, I would leave it, I would deny it, I would choose myself. He saw that even though he's given me no reason, even though he constantly tells me he loves me, many days I would still have a hard time believing him. He saw past the fleeting beauty of the wedding day and still gave his life, promised his eternal love to me.

That is my only hope. The truth that he saw all of the ugly and still made the sacrifice, the commitment.  That's my hope in situations that feel hopeless. His love in places where love seems to have failed.

"Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 

and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 

and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. 

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 

For one will scarcely die for a righteous person--though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die-- 

but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" 

–Romans 5 

I Love You So Much

Twenty-four hours since returning from Haiti, I've spent this rainy, windy, hurricane day trying to process all the things I encountered in the last week. 

If you know me, then you have probably heard of a place called La Sous, Haiti and a little boy, named Pippin. 

After a year and a half absence from Haiti, the Lord allowed me to return to that beautiful little village and reunite with many loved ones that I have missed so much. 

In the weeks leading up to this trip, I was nervous about going for several different reasons. I had a lot of doubts and questions for God. "How much has changed since I was last there?" "Have I missed too much?" "Will they understand why I've been gone?" "Will Pippin still want to spend time with me? Does he think I forgot about him?" 

After a long day of Haitian travel, we arrived in La Sous well past dark; we stepped off the boat, set up our tents and went straight to sleep. Not until the next afternoon did I see Pippin. He was quiet. I hugged and told him I'd missed him. He didn't say much; I was worried. 

Later I walked through the village to his house to visit with his family. Pippin sat on the porch away from us. I chatted with his parents and told them I couldn't believe how much Pippin had grown in the past year. We laughed as I reminisced on how young he was when I first met them, how I used to carry him through the village and hold him as he fell asleep during long Haitian church services. 

"Those days are long over now," I remarked to his parents. Pippin walked over and stopped in front of me. "You're much too grown up to be carried around anymore, but one day I'll be a little old lady and you'll have to help carry me around," I joked with him. Half-kidding, half-serious I then asked him, "Are you going to forget about me when I'm old?" He stared at me for a few seconds and then grabbed my hand; "No.....I love you sooo much," he responded in English to me. It's the only English phrase he knows. I began to cry as soon as he said it. After all of my worrying, it was such a sweet and heartfelt response, a reassurance. 

Today as the hurricane passed over my city, and I washed load after load of clothes from out of my suitcase, I thought about that conversation. I thought about how thankful I am that Pippin does know how much I care. That he didn't stop loving me just because I'd been gone and that he'd promised he would love me through the years to come.
 And then, once again, just as he has done before, the Lord used Pippin to remind me of an important promise. ––
God has never and will never stop loving me either. And more so than the love of any person, his love is perfect. He will never leave me or forsake me. His love for me never changed despite how young I was or how old I'll get. He's never changed his mind about loving me regardless of how long I've been gone or how lost I've been. At my lowest point, even in my doubts and my fears, God has always looked at me and promised, "I love you SO much." 

He loves YOU so much. And that will never change. Not in our doubts, our mistakes, our selfishness, our loneliness, our skepticism. Not in the deepest sins we could find ourselves will he ever stop loving us. 

"For God SO LOVED the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him (WHOEVER: the addict, the abuser, the lost, the broken hearted, the sinner) will not die but have life forever through him." John 3:16

He Has Sent Me

In just over a week I will begin my second year of teaching. I can hardly believe its been a year since I found out I was about to start my first year as a teacher. At that point (and still now) I had no expectation of becoming a teacher or even that I would be living in Augusta, GA. But God's will is often that; far greater and different than my plans and expectations.

If you know me at all, then you are probably well aware of the love and passion for the country of Haiti that God has given me. You may also know that a little over a year ago, my assumption was that I would actually be living and serving in Haiti; Augusta was not on my radar.

Over the past year I have wrestled back and forth wondering why this is the case. God has made very clear that part of my purpose in this life is to love and serve Him, by ministering to the people of Haiti (as well as allow them to love me so well). At the age of 13, the Lord told me explicitly that I was going to be a missionary. It wasn't until three years later that I finally accepted that command and another year later that I went on my first "mission" trip to Haiti. I knew immediately that Haiti, more specifically the island of La Gonâve, was the place that God wanted me to serve. What I didn't understand yet was actually what God meant when He said I was going to be a missionary.

The past few years, and especially recently, God has taught me what it means to be a missionary. Simply put, Christian = Missionary. The command to preach the gospel to all nations is a command for all followers of Jesus, not just some. There are not a select or special few that are "called" to be missionaries, rather an explicit direction for ALL believers. But don't take my word for it:

Matthew 28:18-19 " Jesus came and said to them, All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all I have commanded you. And I will be with you always, to the end."

Acts 1:8 " you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in Judea and Samaria and to the end of the earth."

Psalm 67:1-2 "May God be gracious to us and bless us and make His face to shine upon us, that Your way may be known on the earth, Your saving power among all the nations."

Because of these commands that God has set forth for His people, I have learned a new definition for what it means to be a missionary and now am obligated to be obedient to God's definition. That means that a missionary can be a multitude of things. Just within my own circle of friends I see them as missionaries in car dealerships, medical schools, writing about fashion in New York City, playing music, pastoring at churches, and living simple in foreign nations. For me, right now, being a missionary is teaching high school history at a small, private school and loving the friends and family God has placed around me; it wasn't on my agenda for now but its where God wants me to be. And is His placement not better than any other thing we could possibly plan? Unexpected and trying at times? Yes. But better? No doubt.

So that is why I am here and not somewhere else. For those who know me as "the girl who loves Haiti" and "the one who wants to move to Haiti" those things are true of me. But what I desire to be even more true is that I want to be where God wants me, regardless of my desires, goals and plans.
It has been a transition and often my heart aches for the life I thought I'd be living right now, for the friends and family I have in Haiti. Not at all have I left behind or stopped caring about them or desiring to go back. But my ministry to Haiti for now is prayer more than anything else and supporting the ones God is instructing to go there and live.
If I truly love Haiti, the people of La Gonâve, my precious godson (and I do more than words can express) then I will listen when God says don't go, just as quickly as I do when He says go.

In fact, if I truly love God, love anyone, I will be obedient to Him regardless of what it means. If it means staying or going, if it means speaking up or staying quiet, if it means fighting harder or letting go, I will do as He leads.

1 Samuel 15:22 “Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice"

2 John 1:6 "And this is love, that we walk according to his commandments; this is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, so that you should walk in it."

The Writing on the Cross

Lately, a heavy wave of questions have consistently confronted me. With questions, usually comes the need to find answers. Recently I have not found many answers to many of the situations that seem so pertinent in my life; "should I speak up or stay quiet?" "do I stay here or do I go?" But I think, that a lack of answers is exactly where the Lord wants me to be, because where I lack, God proves faithful and sufficient. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to fully trust that the Lord is our provider, our strength, our comfort, our hope.

One reason that I struggle believing God's promises, is that in the midst of all the things that seem uncertain, other, more personal questions interrogate me. "Am I a good enough teacher? Am I a good enough friend, family member, god-mother; am I good enough?" "Do people know I care? Am I serving enough, working hard enough, doing enough?" Satan often tempts us with these questions about our ability. Because really, these inquiries are questioning our identity. When I worry about these questions, I'm really doubting whether God's promises are true. Is God truly who He says He is? Am I who He says I am? Does He really love me? Can I trust Him?

Despite my doubt, my fear and mistrust though, God continues to pursue me and show just how trustworthy He is. How faithful are His promises, how steady is His love. God reiterates His promises to us throughout all of scripture. Not long ago, God showed me evidence of His devotion in two unsuspecting verses of scripture.

Many people are familiar with the story of Jesus' crucifixion. When I was reading the passage in John 19, God overwhelmed me with His voice. 


As the Jews delivered Jesus over to Pilate and finally convince him to allow Jesus be crucified, the chief priest and Pilate share a brief exchange.
"So they took Jesus... There they crucified him, and with him two others, one on either side, and Jesus between them. Pilate also wrote an inscription and put it on the cross. It read, 'Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews.' Many of the Jews read this inscription, for the place where Jesus was crucified was near the city, and it was written in Aramaic, in Latin, and in Greek. So the chief priests of the Jews said to Pilate, 'Do not write, ‘The King of the Jews,’ but rather, 'This man said, I am King of the Jews.’ Pilate answered, 'What I have written I have written.'” 


Through the words of Pilate God speaks. He declares once more, that our identity is found within Christ. It was paid for and given to us, right there at the cross.

Although the world questions who we are (as they did with Jesus), God's authority overrides it all. If we know God, He has written down our name in His kingdom. He has inscribed for us an identity through His Son. And regardless what our enemies, or the enemy wants to say about us, we are sons and daughters of the King. What God has written, He has written. Our identity is secure in God just as Jesus' was, no matter what the Jews said about him.

Today, I hope we walk in the confidence and freedom knowing that we don't just say our identity is in Christ, but know that we are sons and daughters. We know we are worthy. We know we are loved. We know God has a purpose for us. 

"What He has written, He has written."

A Better Answer to an Important Question

When people hear that I often go to Haiti and someday hope to be a full-time missionary there, I am often asked the question, “What do you do when go there?” Recently I have had a difficult time answering this question because I feel people are usually confused or dissatisfied with my response. Although I have served with Life Ministries doing medical clinics, food distributions, shoe drives, vacation bible schools and many other projects, I never seem to have the short answer that people are expecting. It seems most people are anticipating an answer such as, "I work with an orphanage, we are building a school, hospital, ect." But our ministry in La Sous is so much bigger than that. While we do many projects that physically and financially benefit the people of La Sous, our main ministry is simply sharing and receiving the love of Christ with them.

                                         

   While meeting physical needs is a way to share Jesus with people, this is not our main focus. My hope, along with that of the leaders of Life Ministries, is that we are making an eternal investment in the lives of the people of La Sous. Often this means going to the village and simply spending time with them. Joining them in their church services, walking through the village holding a child's hand or sitting down with someone and just being available to listen. While the people of La Sous have always shown their appreciation when God allows us to help meet their physical needs, I have found that the most precious thing we can offer them is our time and love. It means a great deal to know that someone would fly to another country, and sail to a small remote island just to sit and talk and listen to them. 

        

    When I think about effective ministry, I am reminded of the way that Jesus ministered to many people. He was a man among the people. He didn't have the finances to meet everyone's needs and although He did miracles, that was not always the way He chose to love people. Several times He could have fixed people’s problems with a single word, yet He did not. In many instances Jesus loved people by merely giving them His time.

In John 12:8, Jesus says, “For the poor you always have with you, but you do not always have me."

Jesus reminds us that we will never be able to meet all the physical needs of this world. However, we have something to offer that is so much greater and eternal. While we can and should give to those who are in need, there will always be poverty and hunger, and we must take advantage of the opportunities we have to share the love of Christ.

I cannot provide for all the needs of the people of La Sous, but I can build relationships and reciprocate love that will have an invaluable, eternal influence.

This is why I go to La Sous and this is my passion. I am forever grateful for those of you who have showed your support through prayers and donations and encouragement. I thank you for your continuation in doing so as I prepare for my next trip to Haiti in April.

1 Corinthians 13:3

If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love: Lost or Found

     About a week ago I asked God a question. It's not something that I'm proud to have asked, but it was on my mind. It went something like this, "God, do you really want me to be shameless and outspoken about loving your people?" The answer to that may seem like common sense, but let me explain my train of thought in that moment.
 
      I know that God instructs us to love all people at all times, good and bad. But do we have to be so open about that? For example, when there is a friend, family member or co-worker who is going down the wrong path, it is a definite that we should keep loving, caring and praying for them. But what about when that person doesn't even want your care? And what if that person does something really bad? Can't I just keep loving and praying for them secretly? Do I have to be so open about it and risk being rejected, humiliated or even judged by some people? I can't tell you how many times I've been asked, "Why do you even care about them? They clearly don't care about you so just forget them." And though I know that is really bad advice, I have almost let myself be influenced by it. After hearing that so many times I thought that maybe I should just keep quiet about my concern. Maybe I'll keep praying for them and keep loving them in my heart...but I don't have to be so conspicuous about it. But God's answer to me on this question was yes. Yes, I do want you to be shameless in loving people, even the ones that reject you. Because you are only loving them through Me, and my love is the gospel to be proclaimed.

     God answered my question with a yes, but He hasn't stopped there. Over the past few days He has been consistently showing me why He expects me to be so open about loving people. Through reading the Bible, listening to sermons and hearing the words of other people, a specific passage of scripture has stuck out in my mind.

    In Luke 15 Jesus is reprimanded by the Pharisees for hanging out with sinners. Jesus responds by telling them three stories. The first is about the lost sheep, the next of the lost coin and at last the story of the prodigal son. He begins by saying that any shepherd with a hundred sheep, who had lost one, would leave the ninety-nine and go after the one that is lost until he finds it. And a woman, who owns ten coins and loses one, will search her entire house diligently until he finds it. And lastly, the story of a man with two sons. The youngest who tells his father he wants to leave and receive his inheritance now.
 
    So Jesus is telling the story and it goes like this. The son says to his father, "I'm going off and I'm gonna do my own thing. It's gonna be fun, it's gonna be better, I'm gonna be able to handle this on my own." So the son gets his inheritance, he goes to the city and he thinks he's good. He's got enough money, he's got connections, he thinks he's got friends and he has it all figured out. The son knows that with his father his life is taken care of. He knows that his father has never failed to provide for his every need but he just can't help but think that he's missing out on something. He knows that his father gives him everything and he even has his future entirely planned out and taken care of for him but the son doubts his father. He doubts that his father is really letting him live and experience all that  he needs to.  So the son leaves and for a while he has everything he wants. His friends are showing him all the best places to go and the most popular people to meet and coolest stuff to buy. But after a while he isn't able to keep it up. Because it turns out that the new, exciting, better things he thought he wanted, just aren't satisfactory anymore. And all his friends and connections and awesome people that he thought he had just aren't really there for him. They were there to tell him what to buy and where to go and how to get attention..but they didn't really care about him. When he was spending all his money they didn't stop to ask him if he really needed to buy something new. They weren't there to ask him or talk to him about why he left his family. They never told him that he might not actually need all the stuff and the parties and the attention. They didn't care. And now the son thinks he doesn't have anything so he's alone and he's hungry and he's needy. But then he remembers his father. And he thinks about all the workers his father has and how well they are taken care of. So he starts to make his way back home thinking that maybe if he begged and pleaded, that he could work to earn his father's provision. He thinks surely my father does not love me, he will not call me son but just maybe I can earn his provision. But before the son can even make it back home, here comes his father. And he's surprised because he doesn't know how his father knew he was coming and he doesn't understand why he is welcoming him back home. But what the son doesn't realize is that the father never really let him go. He never stopped hoping and waiting and watching for the day that his son would come back home. Because that was his son. And no matter how far he went the father never stopped watching for him. Nothing he could have done was ever going to change the fact that he was his son. The father doesn't even let his son give an explanation. He doesn't wait until his son gets on his knees and apologizes and begs to come back home. He doesn't make his son profess his love and admit he was wrong. He welcomes him and celebrates and rejoices his son who has made it back home.

     As Jesus tells these stories of course He is referencing the love of His father. A love that comes with the promise that He will never leave us. A love that goes out after one tiny, runaway lamb. A love that will search for one, lost, worthless little coin. And a love that will always welcome home the undeserving, rebellious son. And then He celebrates us with His love.

    And these parables that represent the shameless, unconditional, overwhelming love of God are my answer. This is why I cannot be ashamed of loving people regardless of background or struggles or rejection or humiliation. Because not for one second has God been reluctant to proclaim His love for me and for us. And He even knows every time I will ever abandon Him and doubt Him and rebel. And yet the very essence of His being is how much He loves me. His book tells story after story after story about His love for me. And every single day He pursues and reveals that love to me.

   So not only are each of us lost with the hope of our father who saves us and welcomes us and rejoices over us. But with Him we have the strength to love people around us like that. To diligently pray and care and wait for them to return home. Because we have never gone too far and we have never done too much that the love our Father has for us cannot be celebrated.

 

Happy New Year

   For those who are in the academic arena, the calendar is marked twice with the title "new year." Once of course, on January 1st and another time its scribbled down on a square somewhere in August. Parents everywhere are feeling mixed emotions about the start of the academic calendar. On one hand, I imagine many parents are heaving a sigh of relief while simultaneously feeling disbelief that their child is already starting first grade, or perhaps taking a picture of their child's "last first day of school." And the students, well they're either whining about how summer is over and homework has begun or they are part of the small minority of kids who actually get excited about going back to school. Regardless of what stage it is, the feelings are bittersweet.
 

   
      For high schoolers and college age students, there's usually a very common thought process that occurs during the coming days of a new school year. It goes something like this... "This is the year that I make all As." or maybe a smaller goal like, "This year I am not procrastinating anything." Sometimes we even buy a calendar/organizer and for the first few weeks right down all of our assignments and check them off as we finish. But for most of us, the vigorous spirit of "new school year, new me" is unfortunately short lived.
 
    I can think of several excuses that I've had in the past for why my diligence so quickly deteriorated. But if I am honest, it all comes down to one thing. I stopped caring. And regrettably, I am only one of thousands of students who do the same thing. This past school year however, was different for me. Last fall I transferred from Georgia Regents University to Southeastern Seminary in Wake Forest, NC. During my freshman year at GRU I put in mediocre effort to my school work. When I transferred to Southeastern, something just hit me. I knew that the expense of going to Southeastern is nearly 5 times that of what my first year of college was. I also knew this meant more sacrifices that my family would have to make. So I made a new year's resolution that I would not take that fact for granted. I did not finish the school year with a 4.0 but I can honestly say that I worked hard in every class and did my best not to settle for sub par efforts. Not only have I learned more this past school year than any other, but I took full advantage of an opportunity that the majority of the people in this world do not even get to have.

    Recently I watched a documentary on Netflix called,"On the Way to School." (I highly recommend watching it.)  The documentary follows four sets of children from different countries and their journeys to school. A brother and sister from Africa who have a two hour walk to school every morning while simultaneously running and hiding from elephant stampedes. The film also follows three brothers in India ages 8 and younger who have an hour and a half journey to school, while pushing one of their brothers in a broken wheelchair. Needless to say, the film only solidified a fact that I already know to be true: education is a privilege and should not to be taken for granted.

     Whether you are still in high school or are in college, please stop for a moment to realize this fact. Although in the states we are privileged to have lower education as a right, many children in the world do not. And if they do, they sacrifice very much to make it a possibility. For those of us pursuing college, realize that this is an opportunity that even many people in America do not get. In other words, going to college and having it paid for by your parents is not their obligation or assumed responsibility. It is a gift. For the students young and old who are paying for college on your own, you are commended.
 
     I only say this because I have realized myself,  how long I have taken these things for granted. Although I have been on somewhat of a rant I actually mean this as an encouragement and motivation to work hard in school since you have the opportunity. And if you have chosen to go to college, take full advantage of the knowledge and resources being offered to you. So for all students, I hope your "new school year resolutions" are successful. And Happy New Year!