Love: Lost or Found

     About a week ago I asked God a question. It's not something that I'm proud to have asked, but it was on my mind. It went something like this, "God, do you really want me to be shameless and outspoken about loving your people?" The answer to that may seem like common sense, but let me explain my train of thought in that moment.
 
      I know that God instructs us to love all people at all times, good and bad. But do we have to be so open about that? For example, when there is a friend, family member or co-worker who is going down the wrong path, it is a definite that we should keep loving, caring and praying for them. But what about when that person doesn't even want your care? And what if that person does something really bad? Can't I just keep loving and praying for them secretly? Do I have to be so open about it and risk being rejected, humiliated or even judged by some people? I can't tell you how many times I've been asked, "Why do you even care about them? They clearly don't care about you so just forget them." And though I know that is really bad advice, I have almost let myself be influenced by it. After hearing that so many times I thought that maybe I should just keep quiet about my concern. Maybe I'll keep praying for them and keep loving them in my heart...but I don't have to be so conspicuous about it. But God's answer to me on this question was yes. Yes, I do want you to be shameless in loving people, even the ones that reject you. Because you are only loving them through Me, and my love is the gospel to be proclaimed.

     God answered my question with a yes, but He hasn't stopped there. Over the past few days He has been consistently showing me why He expects me to be so open about loving people. Through reading the Bible, listening to sermons and hearing the words of other people, a specific passage of scripture has stuck out in my mind.

    In Luke 15 Jesus is reprimanded by the Pharisees for hanging out with sinners. Jesus responds by telling them three stories. The first is about the lost sheep, the next of the lost coin and at last the story of the prodigal son. He begins by saying that any shepherd with a hundred sheep, who had lost one, would leave the ninety-nine and go after the one that is lost until he finds it. And a woman, who owns ten coins and loses one, will search her entire house diligently until he finds it. And lastly, the story of a man with two sons. The youngest who tells his father he wants to leave and receive his inheritance now.
 
    So Jesus is telling the story and it goes like this. The son says to his father, "I'm going off and I'm gonna do my own thing. It's gonna be fun, it's gonna be better, I'm gonna be able to handle this on my own." So the son gets his inheritance, he goes to the city and he thinks he's good. He's got enough money, he's got connections, he thinks he's got friends and he has it all figured out. The son knows that with his father his life is taken care of. He knows that his father has never failed to provide for his every need but he just can't help but think that he's missing out on something. He knows that his father gives him everything and he even has his future entirely planned out and taken care of for him but the son doubts his father. He doubts that his father is really letting him live and experience all that  he needs to.  So the son leaves and for a while he has everything he wants. His friends are showing him all the best places to go and the most popular people to meet and coolest stuff to buy. But after a while he isn't able to keep it up. Because it turns out that the new, exciting, better things he thought he wanted, just aren't satisfactory anymore. And all his friends and connections and awesome people that he thought he had just aren't really there for him. They were there to tell him what to buy and where to go and how to get attention..but they didn't really care about him. When he was spending all his money they didn't stop to ask him if he really needed to buy something new. They weren't there to ask him or talk to him about why he left his family. They never told him that he might not actually need all the stuff and the parties and the attention. They didn't care. And now the son thinks he doesn't have anything so he's alone and he's hungry and he's needy. But then he remembers his father. And he thinks about all the workers his father has and how well they are taken care of. So he starts to make his way back home thinking that maybe if he begged and pleaded, that he could work to earn his father's provision. He thinks surely my father does not love me, he will not call me son but just maybe I can earn his provision. But before the son can even make it back home, here comes his father. And he's surprised because he doesn't know how his father knew he was coming and he doesn't understand why he is welcoming him back home. But what the son doesn't realize is that the father never really let him go. He never stopped hoping and waiting and watching for the day that his son would come back home. Because that was his son. And no matter how far he went the father never stopped watching for him. Nothing he could have done was ever going to change the fact that he was his son. The father doesn't even let his son give an explanation. He doesn't wait until his son gets on his knees and apologizes and begs to come back home. He doesn't make his son profess his love and admit he was wrong. He welcomes him and celebrates and rejoices his son who has made it back home.

     As Jesus tells these stories of course He is referencing the love of His father. A love that comes with the promise that He will never leave us. A love that goes out after one tiny, runaway lamb. A love that will search for one, lost, worthless little coin. And a love that will always welcome home the undeserving, rebellious son. And then He celebrates us with His love.

    And these parables that represent the shameless, unconditional, overwhelming love of God are my answer. This is why I cannot be ashamed of loving people regardless of background or struggles or rejection or humiliation. Because not for one second has God been reluctant to proclaim His love for me and for us. And He even knows every time I will ever abandon Him and doubt Him and rebel. And yet the very essence of His being is how much He loves me. His book tells story after story after story about His love for me. And every single day He pursues and reveals that love to me.

   So not only are each of us lost with the hope of our father who saves us and welcomes us and rejoices over us. But with Him we have the strength to love people around us like that. To diligently pray and care and wait for them to return home. Because we have never gone too far and we have never done too much that the love our Father has for us cannot be celebrated.

 

Happy New Year

   For those who are in the academic arena, the calendar is marked twice with the title "new year." Once of course, on January 1st and another time its scribbled down on a square somewhere in August. Parents everywhere are feeling mixed emotions about the start of the academic calendar. On one hand, I imagine many parents are heaving a sigh of relief while simultaneously feeling disbelief that their child is already starting first grade, or perhaps taking a picture of their child's "last first day of school." And the students, well they're either whining about how summer is over and homework has begun or they are part of the small minority of kids who actually get excited about going back to school. Regardless of what stage it is, the feelings are bittersweet.
 

   
      For high schoolers and college age students, there's usually a very common thought process that occurs during the coming days of a new school year. It goes something like this... "This is the year that I make all As." or maybe a smaller goal like, "This year I am not procrastinating anything." Sometimes we even buy a calendar/organizer and for the first few weeks right down all of our assignments and check them off as we finish. But for most of us, the vigorous spirit of "new school year, new me" is unfortunately short lived.
 
    I can think of several excuses that I've had in the past for why my diligence so quickly deteriorated. But if I am honest, it all comes down to one thing. I stopped caring. And regrettably, I am only one of thousands of students who do the same thing. This past school year however, was different for me. Last fall I transferred from Georgia Regents University to Southeastern Seminary in Wake Forest, NC. During my freshman year at GRU I put in mediocre effort to my school work. When I transferred to Southeastern, something just hit me. I knew that the expense of going to Southeastern is nearly 5 times that of what my first year of college was. I also knew this meant more sacrifices that my family would have to make. So I made a new year's resolution that I would not take that fact for granted. I did not finish the school year with a 4.0 but I can honestly say that I worked hard in every class and did my best not to settle for sub par efforts. Not only have I learned more this past school year than any other, but I took full advantage of an opportunity that the majority of the people in this world do not even get to have.

    Recently I watched a documentary on Netflix called,"On the Way to School." (I highly recommend watching it.)  The documentary follows four sets of children from different countries and their journeys to school. A brother and sister from Africa who have a two hour walk to school every morning while simultaneously running and hiding from elephant stampedes. The film also follows three brothers in India ages 8 and younger who have an hour and a half journey to school, while pushing one of their brothers in a broken wheelchair. Needless to say, the film only solidified a fact that I already know to be true: education is a privilege and should not to be taken for granted.

     Whether you are still in high school or are in college, please stop for a moment to realize this fact. Although in the states we are privileged to have lower education as a right, many children in the world do not. And if they do, they sacrifice very much to make it a possibility. For those of us pursuing college, realize that this is an opportunity that even many people in America do not get. In other words, going to college and having it paid for by your parents is not their obligation or assumed responsibility. It is a gift. For the students young and old who are paying for college on your own, you are commended.
 
     I only say this because I have realized myself,  how long I have taken these things for granted. Although I have been on somewhat of a rant I actually mean this as an encouragement and motivation to work hard in school since you have the opportunity. And if you have chosen to go to college, take full advantage of the knowledge and resources being offered to you. So for all students, I hope your "new school year resolutions" are successful. And Happy New Year!

Planning

    I am a natural born planner. Sometimes this quality proves an advantage for me. And sometimes I get too caught up in the plans I make, that I don't stop to ask God what HIS plans are.
Since I am all too familiar with this quality of mine, when I began planning the details of my most recent Haiti trip, I prayed especially that God would direct the plans and I would simply obey them.

   If there is one thing that I learned throughout the trip and its entire process, it's that there is a tremendous amount of planning that goes into a trip to La Source, Haiti. Most of this is done by Lisa Adams. If I wasn't already amazed at all the work she puts into each mission trip, I certainly am now, since this time I was responsible for many of the things that she normally takes care of for each team trip to La Source. (Sometimes I'm convinced she is a super-woman.) Anyways, being the planner that I am, I was determined to handle as many of the details as I could on my own. And determined to think of every last thing that needed to be dealt with and prepared for before Sammy and I could depart. I had a list for EVERYthing. There were packing lists and grocery lists, supply lists, and funds lists. A list of worker's names and people we had to meet, things we needed to say and "to-dos" that needed to get done. I had a list of emergency phone numbers and instructions for how to get places and find certain things. I won't keep going. The funny thing was, that in the midst of all these lists, neither Sammy nor I had one list of agendas to get done once we got to La Source. We both felt instinctively that God was actually telling us not to have one. As I mentioned in my last blog, our lack of projects and agendas was, to some people, questionable to say the least. We got questions like, "What are you going to be doing while you're there?" and responses like "So.. what's the point?" For many of these questions my only response was that we felt God was telling us to go and that He wanted us to be without plans in order to be fully surrendered to Him.

On July 4th night, Sammy and I sat together in her room packing last minute items, sorting out money and going over all of our lists just one last time before we would head for Haiti the next morning. As Sammy was organizing our suitcases I was trying to get us checked into our flight online. When I pulled up our flight information I realized something was missing. We had paid for an insurance through the airline that would cover lost or stolen baggage, but also insured us medically if any emergencies were to occur. The insurance receipt was not there and when Sammy's step mom checked her credit card charges there was never a charge for where we had purchased the insurance. There was no record that we had ever ordered it. The insurance was still available if we wanted to purchase it then...but at a price of $285 (originally it had been only $35.) As we prayed that night we lifted the issue up to God. The next morning we arrived at the airport and told the man at the check in counter our dilemma. He didn't have any authority over matters like that but gave us a number we could call that he thought may be useful. Sammy's dad called and after a few minutes on the phone the airline somehow found the insurance we had purchased. I'm not sure how this happened being that we had no receipt of buying it and furthermore that we were never even charged for it. But I did know that God was taking care of us and it was an encouraging start to our journey. Something that Satan could have used to worry and discourage us, God used as affirmation that He was in control of every last detail of our trip. And so, after parting with our luggage, taking a quick picture, one last bathroom break and a hug goodbye to Sammy's dad...we were off.

 

  Although Sammy and I had no concrete plans, there is no doubt that ideas and expectations of how we thought things should go had seeped into our minds. The one and only thing that Sammy and I knew for sure we would be doing while in La Source was a bible study book recommended to us by Mrs. Lisa. It is called La Jwa Le Chemen (the road to joy.)

 
  On our first night in La Source Sammy and I told our translators that the following morning we wanted to have a meeting with all of the church leaders and pastors of the village. We didn't care what church or what denomination they were from, all the leaders were invited. So, the next morning we all met. Sammy and I introduced ourselves to everyone, took everyone's name and prayer requests and then explained the Bible study that we wanted to do with them for the next two weeks. Collectively we decided that every morning we would all meet in our camp from 9:00-11:00am. Sammy and I both had a similar idea in our heads that the Bible study would result in a crowd of 30-40 people and that we would end up going house to house praying for people and seeing miracles. I can certainly say that God worked miracles during our time there, but He did so in a way different from what Sammy and I expected. Instead of large crowd at our morning bible study, we had a faithful few of ten or eleven. As the bible study continued, Sammy and I realized that investing deeply in those faithful few was more prosperous than the large crowd that Sammy and I had expected. Over the next two weeks we would continuously be astounded at the way God took our expectations and formed them into His grander, miraculous plan. Of course all of this would have been impossible without the impeccable amount of prayer that Sammy and I were both being covered in and taking part in. I'll share more about this in my next post.
Thanks for reading!


The next four pieces to the series are:
Prayer
Power
Patience
Perseverance

Processing

  Today marks a week since I have returned home from my most recent trip to Haiti. Since I have been home I've attempted to take in and process everything that happened during that two week trip. I landed in the Atlanta airport Sunday night and drove back to Augusta getting home passed midnight only to crash and then wake up at 8 the next morning, get back in the car and drive 5 hours to North Carolina to visit my family. Needless to say, time to think and process was not available to me.
  Now that I have been back home for a few days, told countless stories to my friends and family, looked at my pictures about one hundred times and thought over everything that we did and saw, I'm finally ready to sit down and write it all out. Because this trip was so incredibly different and longer than any other visit to Haiti I have made, I've decided that instead of attempting to put everything into one blog, I will be writing a (short) 5 piece series.

  For those who may have no idea what I am talking about I will give a brief explanation of how this whole trip came to be. In April I attended a team trip to Haiti which consisted of mainly high schoolers and four twenty year olds, two of whom were me and Samantha Pease. (I wrote a blog on this April trip soon after I returned.) The April trip was when I was first introduced to Sammy and the first time I heard God telling me that we needed to take a trip to La Source by ourselves. At the end of the April trip I told Sammy what was on my heart and she agreed. Neither of us had any idea how or when or if this could happen but we started praying that if it was in fact God's will, that the trip would work itself out, and it did. Looking back I can honestly say that God directed each effort it took to make the trip happen.
   For most of the process I tried to act like I knew what I was doing and that I was confident. But in reality I had no clue what I was doing, all I knew was that God had placed it on my heart and it was my job to take the steps of obedience. I started by mentioning to Bill Adams that I was going to La Source without a team. I said this in a joking way because I was nervous but Bill's response was simply and seriously, "you can do it." The next step was telling my mom, she was reluctant but is always supportive of me. The next step was talking to Lisa Adams and Cindy Rogers. Donnie and Cindy Rogers, along with Bill and Lisa Adams are leaders of LifeMinistries International which is the organization that I have taken all my Haiti trips through. When I told Lisa and Cindy that Sammy and I wanted to go to La Source by ourselves for two weeks I knew it probably sounded a little bit sketchy. The part I was most nervous about was that when they asked what we wanted to do while we were there, I didn't have much of a solid answer. Sammy and I had both felt like we were supposed to go on the trip without a big agenda or list of projects and to-dos. Even though I was nervous I told them what God had put on our hearts. After a few weeks they had all discussed it and prayed about it and let Sammy and I know that we could move forward with the trip. This is how I know that God was ordaining all of this. And I am so grateful that both the Rogers, the Adams and leaders of LifeMinistries are so open and in tune to God's will.
   I tried to place myself in their shoes and think; if two 20 year old girls who had never been on a trip alone, came to me and asked to go to a small Haitian village alone for two weeks, with no concrete plan.... I would most likely say no. But God had a different outlook on things than I did. And He directed the leaders of LifeMinistries to allow Sammy and I to go, and not only that but they were so encouraging and supportive.
  So that's a little background on our trip and how it came together. I was amazed at how God worked out every last detail and gave Sammy and I so much peace and confirmation about the whole thing. The next five pieces of the series I will discuss the things that God did and showed Sammy and I during our trip and how He has continued to teach us even after our return.
   I hope you return to read the following pieces... thanks for reading!

The five piece blog will consist of
Planning
Praying
Power
Patience
Perseverance

Aspiring Writer's Block

   Writing is one of the few things that has the capability of bringing me clarity. And if it doesn't bring me clarity, it at least allows me to process all the thoughts that are constantly whizzing around in my brain. Unfortunately though, for the past month I have hardly been able to write anything. I would refer to this as what is most commonly known as "writer's block." However, I do not feel qualified enough to self identify myself as a writer... yet hopefully. Regardless of what you would like to call it, I have been struggling.

    I've been writing for as long as I can remember. When I was five years old I wrote my first poem. I scratched it down on a little white scrap of paper in hot pink gel pen... the poem was about butterflies. I still have that little scrap of paper to look at and remind myself why I write. Because when I was five, I wasn't writing so that the whole world would applaud me. And I wasn't writing to make a political statement or to protest an idea. I wrote,
                                                                  Butterflies are yours
                                                                  Butterflies are mine
                                                                  God made butterflies
                                                                  of all different kinds
                                              (There's more but I will spare you the rest.)
because I apparently enjoyed butterflies and I just felt like writing that. Revolutionary right? Well, not really. Actually it's just simple. And simplicity is something that is important.
    A few things that have been refreshed in my mind during my "writer's block."
One: Remember the reason that I write, which is because it's something I love to do, not because I need the world's recognition.
Two: Not doing something because you think you aren't good at it does not help you get any better. Desiring to get better at something is great as long as it doesn't take the enjoyment away from you. But I'm not reluctant to say that everyone has a desire to be good at whatever it is they love to do. I mean that's obvious. If you love to paint, then you want to be good at it. If you want to be a dancer, then you probably want to be a great one. And if you're like me and you love to write, I'm sure you want to continuously learn to write better. Which bring me to the third thing that that was refreshed in my mind: if you want to get better at writing then here is the most important thing you must do...yes, you know, WRITE. When you can't think of anything to say, write. When you're sad, write. When you're happy, write. When you're indifferent, write. And even when you're frustrated about how you can't write, yes again, write.
    The good thing about those refreshers is that you can most likely apply them to just about anything. As in, if you want to get better at anything, you're starting place is always to just do it. (Nike was genius for coining that phrase.) And so I think I'll just end it on that.

                                                                 

God's Promises and Bob Marley

                                                  "This is my message to you-ou-ou:

                                                   Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,

                                              'Cause every little thing is gonna be all right."   

As elementary as the lyrics to Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" are, those seven simple words have changed my life. Cliché as it may be it's true. This changed happen almost two years ago when in the midst of finding myself in an unwanted situation I was crying and wondering how on earth things were going to getting better. While I was crying and complaining about my circumstances someone started singing Marley's lyrics to me and suddenly it felt like things really were going to be okay. I'm sure I've heard people utter phrases like "It'll be okay" my entire life but for some reason it had always felt like just a phrase; I had never actually believed it before. But in that moment I really thought about those words and my outlook on life has since changed tremendously. For most people it may seem like common sense to know that no matter how bad your circumstances are, eventually things will be okay. But for me this had never been a reality. I was never able to see the future hope in any situation. Although I'm not recommending that anyone follow all the life style choices of Bob Marley, I do have to speak my appreciation for so many of his lyrics, especially to this song. Whether you are a fan or not it's difficult to deny the truth of these lyrics. I owe an even greater appreciation to the person who sang me these lyrics and continuously reminded me that things would always be okay. For that I am ever grateful to them. 

What though, do Bob Marley's lyrics have to do with God's promises? Well for me: everything. God's promises are the only reason that the lyrics mean anything at all. For people who don't have a relationship with Christ, it really is difficult if not impossible to see the future hope in bad situations. The good news though is that God has given us a specific answer to what this hope is. That is why "every little thing is gonna be alright" is so much more than just a phrase to me. As silly as it sounds God used Bob Marley to remind me that my hope can always be found in Christ. 

Have you ever learned something new and then suddenly started to hear about it all the time? That's how this realization was for me. Once I truly accepted the truth that things would always be alright eventually, I started hearing it everywhere. I suppose its God's way of taking care of me, by reminding me of my hope in Him.  In Haiti they have a Creole saying that goes, "Tout bagay deja byen paske Jezi chita sou twone li." It's their version of "every thing will be alright" only it translates to "every thing is already well and ends with 'because Jesus sits on His throne.'" Such a wonderful reminder to know that it is well because Jesus has already won the victory for us. I've heard the saying so much over the past two years that now its almost impossible for me to become hopeless over a situation. And any time I start to despair I just hear that same person singing those lyrics to me. Although I'm not quite sure what Bob Marley's religious status was I do know that he spoke a lot of the same truths that are found in Scripture. The words to "Three Little Birds" parallel directly with God's promise to us in Philippians. 

Philippians 4:6-7 

⁶ do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Same places, new faces: The lessons I've learned

    I just recently returned to La Source, Haiti for the eighth time. Since getting back into the states my mind has been in a million different places. Normally, writing is how I begin to figure out my thoughts but for the past two weeks there has been so much on my mind that even writing seemed an impossible task to conquer. Now though, two weeks after returning from my trip to La Source, I have finally found a few moments to process what I experienced.

  After returning from a trip to Haiti just a few months ago in January I did not intend on going back in April. But in the weeks after getting back from Haiti, several things in my life took a very unexpected turn (some good, some bad) and I found myself inadvertently saying "yes, I'll go" in response to a text message asking me if I wanted to join the team going to Haiti in April. The deposit of $600 was already past due in the moment I said "yes" and on top of that I only had $200 to my name. I agreed to go on the trip with less than two months to raise the money and prepare for the week of classes that I would be missing. In the moment that I had agreed to go I didn't really know why I said yes. In the next few weeks I doubted that I should have even done so. When I saw the list of names of our team that would be going I really started to feel like I had made a mistake: 27 people, 18 of which were high school students.

  Although I doubted in my placement on the team I began to pray that God would still allow me to be a servant and to learn many things. A few days later I got a phone call asking if I would help lead devotions for the high school students on the trip. After that I began to feel a little better about my usefulness on the trip. I missed the first few meetings due to being in North Carolina for school. When I attended the last meeting only a week before our trip one of the high-school students called me "mam"; I once again felt severely out of place. Saturday came and we all headed to the Atlanta airport. I was quiet most of the travel day since I didn't know the majority of the people on the team. While looking around at the students on the team I was praying about what God would have me speak to them about during the devotions that week. Looking back now I realize that my prayer probably should have been asking God to open my eyes to all the things those students were going to teach me. 

   Over the next few days these students surprised me immensely. Where I had prepared myself for drama and immaturity they showed wisdom and godly character. I woke up several mornings to see many of them reading their Bibles and worshipping. They volunteered to get things done before they were even asked. They prayed for the people in the village fearlessly and talked about the things of God with boldness. I was astounded at their spiritual maturity. For weeks I had been praying that God would help me love and serve them but had not anticipated the way that they would minister to me. When leaving the village my heart often hurts for leaving the people of La Source, but this time leaving was more emotional than most times because of the way I had started to love our team members as well.

  I now feel like I have 18 new brothers and sisters. All of whom I met and got to know in only a week, yet I miss them dearly. Although this trip had moments that were more difficult and frustrating than any other trip I had been on, the only thing I could think when I returned was how sad I was that it was over. So often I return from La Source and recount the love of Christ that was shown to me by the people of the village, but this time I saw the light of Christ more than I ever thought I would through the people that I last expected to see it though. 

  It is sad to think about the reality that our specific team will probably never be altogether again but I rejoice in the fact that I had the opportunity to get to know each one of them. Now my prayer is that God will continue to work in their lives and grow them in the knowledge of Him. I am humbled by the way these students surpass me in their spiritual walk and aspire to be as Christ-like in my life as many of them are. 

Romans 12:4-6

⁴ For as in one body we have many members,^[a] and the members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. ⁶ Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them.

Where I'd Rather Be

Romans 8:25
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

  Tonight my thoughts are wandering to something other than where I am and what I am actually doing.  I long to be somewhere else with someone very special to me. And although I would do anything to be there right now, the fact is, I'm just not. And no amount of wishing can get me there. So while I sit and think about where I'd rather be and who I'd rather be with, I am prompted to ask God why I'm missing out on something so important to me and why the circumstances can't be different. But God pushes my mind in another direction; the one that leads to the question I should be asking, which is, where is my faith and where is my patience?

  As I long to be in another place tonight encouraging and supporting someone I love, God has me sitting in my humble dorm room allowing me to be drawn to a place of trust and patience. Trusting that even though I cannot be where I want to be and cannot say what I'd like to say, that HE is in control of all my wants and needs and anxieties. Trusting that His love far surpasses mine and that He will not fail me or any of His children. Trusting that when I ask for His provision and protection He will indeed provide.

   He also brings me to patience. Prompting me to wait on His timing and His will before my prayers are answered. To have patience in trusting Him, even when I cannot see the results.

  So tonight as my heart longs to be elsewhere, I am reminded that just maybe I am here so that I can be patient in the hope that God has given me. A hope that He loves me and all His people more than I can fathom and that He is working in hearts even during the times that I can't be present to see it.

I love you near or far

Robert Frost says that "Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words." 

 Being that I find myself reverting to writing in order to explain my thoughts and emotions to others and sometimes, even to understand my own mind, I think I can can relate with what Frost has said. I have always been quite shy about the poetry I write, as there is an idea out there that people who write poetry have a lot of hidden secrets or sadness in their life. Because I have never wanted people to have this idea about me I have always hidden my love for poetry and my own poems from most people. But since it is a big part of who I am, and a testament to the experiences in my life and the wonderful people I have been blessed to know, I thought I would take a small step to sharing that. The sharing of this is poem is more for me than anyone who may happen to read it, but anyways here you are. 

See through 

You think no one can tell
But I see through it all
Make em think that you're well
But I know when you fall 

What can I do
Except watch, without hope 
I know I can't help you 
But how do I cope

With this ever present thought 
That you're not okay 
Knowing, even if I fought
I might never see the day

That you finally return
Your heart, once again whole
That passion, that burn
Reignited in your soul 

The immensity of your care
The intensity of your love 
I know it's all there 
I know it's what you're made of

Love and kindness and sincerity
The things that make you
Believe me, you're a rarity
I saw in the beginning, I already knew. 

You keep trying to hide 
But it's not fooling me
Because I see inside 
I know what you're meant to be

The caring, devoted, courageous one. 
Who's spirit burns brilliantly
It outshines the sun 
Ever so blissfully 

He'll attempt to deny
The insanity he holds 
An insanity of love, with more depth than the sky. 
And he doesn't even realize the things he upholds. 

But I do, and always will
To you, I'll impart 
Being with you was surreal
Promise me you won't forget what's in your heart. 

Letting Go Because I Love

^{Philippians 3:12-14   12 "}Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. ¹³ Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

      How can we let go of something that we love? I am not just posing this question for you, I am asking myself this question in this very moment. How is this possible... to let go of something that you love, something that was given to you by God and the love you have for it was also God-given. It seems so contradictory. "God, I don't understand. How can you tell me to let go now? When I am all in? I'm ready to fight. This is the point where I am ready to hold on no matter how much it takes.. and now, now you are telling me to let go? You are the One who told me to grab on in the first place, this just doesn't make sense." 
     God is taking me back to a moment that happened fifteen months ago. It was October 2013 and I was in Haiti. It was my second trip. My first time in Haiti, seven months earlier, I had met a little boy named Pippin and he had stolen my heart. Now here I was, seven months later and completely ecstatic to be there with him again. I had come that October week ready to enjoy and soak in those precious few days I would be able to spend with Pippin in the village. I had picked up on my first trip that he loved lollipops and peanut butter so this time I had made sure to bring plenty of both of those with me. Each morning I packed my backpack with a few lollipops to share with Pippin throughout the day. One particular afternoon I was standing in the village with dozens of children surrounding me just playing and laughing and singing. Pippin was one of them. He was right at my hip, as he had been all week, holding my hand when I noticed that he kept reaching for something. At this time I did not yet have an understanding of Creole and didn't know what he wanted, then finally I realized there was one last lollipop in my bag and he wanted it. Being that so many other children were around and I only had the one piece of candy I told Pippin "No, not right now." It had also occurred to me that because he was only four and very small, if I were to give it to him the other children might be tempted to bully him to get the candy for themselves. Because I knew this, that it was not at all the right time or place for him to have the candy I immediately told him no, not even considering the fact that he may possibly not be satisfied with my response. (I suppose this was my naivety showing.. now I know how Mom used to feel). But I was surprised when he quickly turned angry with me. He threw my hand from his and started crying, begging me for the lollipop. I was crushed. I only have a few days to spend with Pippin and I certainly didn't want him upset with me for a moment. I wanted all of our time together to be good, I wanted him to know that I loved him. For a second I thought maybe I should just give it to him, but I knew I couldn't, for his sake. I thought if only Pippin could understand, if he saw what I saw and knew what I knew then certainly he would not be upset with me for telling him no. He would simply trust me and say okay. 
At this moment I had a revelation. How many times do I act this same way towards God? He tells me "no" or "not right now Courtney, have patience." And I cry and ask Him why because I don't understand why things can't just happen the way I want them to. But I realized how much this hurts God, when we are angry with Him and blaming our pain on Him because we do not get our way. He hurts so much to see us in pain, but because He loves us He may withhold things from us that He knows we do not need. Or maybe He says wait because it is not time yet. Maybe He says "grab on" or maybe He says, "let go." Whatever His answer is for us sometimes the obedience of it is hard. We make it even more painful when we ask God why and try to do things our own way. But He sees the truth of it. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, plans for a future and a hope." We do not see the greater plan. If only we could just trust God's "no" or whatever the uncomfortable answer may be, and comply with it out of faith in Him, knowing that He knows our future and He has only the best planned for us.
     I can't say this makes letting go of something or someone painless, but I know that no matter how hard, it is better to do it with a willing and accepting heart rather than seeking to gain control of your situation or hold bitterness towards God for it. I can say that the preceding option is the best because unfortunately, in the past I have done things the latter way, trying to remain in control instead of letting God have the situation. It drags out and intensifies the pain. And in the process of trying to remain in control, or being angry because of your circumstances, you can be missing out on the blessings that God may want you to be receiving though it. So even though I do not know God's plan or reasoning for telling me to let go, I do know that he Has one, and that must be enough right now. Out of love and trust in His sovereign will, I know I must let go. And in the meantime I have to keep in mind that what I am letting go of was never truly mine in the first place, but only a gift from God that I never deserved to have anyways. So I am praying in confidence that He will give me strength to "press on" knowing that it is not in my power but His. And I will just continue to thank Him for the blessing He allowed me to have for the time that I did... even if He decides to never bring it back. I don't say this nonchalantly, because the love that God has given me is immense, which makes letting go the hardest thing I have ever done, which even still seems like an understatement. But in reminding myself that without God, I would never have even had this love in the first place, it makes it a little more bearable to say "Okay, Lord." 
     Job 1:21, "The Lord gave and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." My initial prayer is the hope that one day God will return His blessing to me once more, and if He does I will be even more indebted to Him for His abundant grace. And if not, I pray for peace and acceptance of His will. And above all I thank Him for allowing me to be a giver and receiver of the most splendid love I could imagine. 

Love, what is it good for?

1 Corinthians 13:13
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

"I have fallen out of love with them." "I do not love them anymore." "I have no more love to give."

    These statements are made by people everywhere every day. But I do not believe any of these statements can be true. A bold thing to say I know, but let me explain why. Growing up I was made to understand that love was warm feelings that you got for someone you enjoyed being around. This is obviously a childish definition for love,  and I believe that most people would be willing to agree that love is indeed much more that that. The average person is well aware that love is much more than warm feelings, they are aware that there will be bumps in the road and are willing to walk over those bumps when they appear, maybe even a small hill. But what I've noticed about myself and so many others is the tendency to revert back to that puerile definition of love when all the sudden in the road there appears a 90 degree angle cliff. "Nope, this isn't right." "Not me, there is no way I will trek this mountain. I can't and I won't. This must mean I need to turn around." This attitude is often the first reaction for most of us. And there is some truth to this initial reaction. It is indeed quite impossible for us to take a trek of that magnitude alone. But there's the catch, alone. I'm sure by now many of you know where I am going with this. Yes, I am saying that we are not meant to do it alone, God is the one who will take us through it. He is here to walk this road with us, whatever cliche way you would like to put it. But that is not simply all. You see, it is so easy to say we need God's help and leave it at that. But it is so much greater than just that. We don't need God's "help" and He does not need ours. Even admitting that we need God's help on this journey is not enough. To say that would be to say we are still walking this road alone, with God on the curbside. And then when a bump arises we look back at God and ask Him to swiftly carry us over it, and then leave us to be on our way. No, no no. He is to be in front of us, guiding our every last step. Leading us from moment to moment. This is not our life to do on our own with the occasional request of His assistance. He is leading. And we are following. So what does this have to do with love? Well I believe it means that we are capable of giving 100% more than what we do or think we can. So often people tend to believe there is a point in time where we can run out of love, or have no more in us to give. But this is not true. 1 John 4:7 says, "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." This clearly states that any love we have or give comes from God. And God does not run out of love. His love is infinite. So if our love comes from Him, then how could we ever run out? How could we ever stop loving someone? How can we reach the point of no return? Where there are no more second chances or no more forgiveness? I believe this point comes only when we are loving on our own strength, which we have never been intended to do. 
    So what does this look like in our everyday lives? What will it mean for our relationships and the way we deal with tragic disappointments or situations that seem unbearable? It means that no amount of time, effort or pain will take love away. It means painstaking sacrificing and patience. I think it means that hope is never lost. There is always forgiveness to be given. It means loving those around us even when they are "unloveable." On our own strength and will power this is not possible. There will always be that situation or wrong done to you that breaks you to your very core and we have nothing left in us to keep going. And that is when we call on Christ and He replenishes our soul. And through His love, we CAN keep loving. Please do not take this to mean that there are not times in life where we let go of a certain person or situation. I'm not talking about staying in an unhealthy, ungodly relationship. And even letting go of something like that does not mean we can't still love. But I'm talking about truly loving those that God has placed in our lives to have a relationship with day in and day out. The ones we are specifically called to love. Our family, our friends, our partner, our coworkers, our neighbors. Let us realize how likely it is that there may be more bad times than good. Maybe more struggles than easy going times. But so what? When were we promised that life would be that way? Many know the phrase "life's not easy" but it seems that even if we know this, we still expect more easy than difficult. We often lose our fight when the seemingly impossible cliff arises. But there lies the point. We can't do it and weren't meant to. You were not meant to handle your adulteress spouse alone. You are not expected to solely and sufficiently love your rebellious child. We are not built to manage that hateful coworker who gets at us out of spite. Or even the innocent tragedies, we were never meant to undergo it alone. So that is why I don't believe in "no more love." This of course does not mean the road becomes easier. Or that suddenly loving people unconditionally comes naturally. But it does become possible. 1 John 4:19 says, "We love because He first loved us." How comforting to know that we aren't on our own strength. I have been shown and taught this love through people in my life that I will never come close to deserving. They have loved me when I was unloveable. When I am selfish, irrational, and honestly just crazy. But there they are and will continue to be. I have failed them and they will fail me but God's love through us is sufficient. It holds against every trial and it is worth every last ounce of fight we have to give. 

He is Stength

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory."
Ephesians 3:20-21

   I have a journal that was given to me about three years ago by my mother. She gave it to me before my first trip to La Source, Haiti. For the past few years I have taken it on every trip with me and documented, prayed and reflected in it. It has now become known as my "Haiti journal", but a few times a week I find myself writing my prayers in it. There is a verse written on the top of each day's page of the journal. I suppose the verses were picked and placed at random but somehow each day the verse applies to specifically what God has been speaking to me about. Ephesians 3:20-21 was the verse in my journal a few days ago and it has been resonating with me ever since I read it. "He is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think" This is astounding to me. As I wrote in my journal this particular day it was a prayer for help. I was feeling very insufficient. Lately I had let my circumstances control my thoughts and emotions. As I was thinking about all the struggles and difficult circumstances going on in my life right now I was feeling quite sorry for myself. I sat there and told God all the reasons why "I can't do it", "I won't make it", or "God, you've chosen the wrong girl for this one." I also proceeded to give Him a list of why. God, I don't think you understand what kind of person I am. I'm too sensitive, too emotional and over dramatic. I have lots of anxiety, I'm weak and easily tempted. After laying out many of my character flaws as a list of reasons why God cannot possibly use me, He finally responds to me. God says to me "so what?". Plain and simple "so what?" I'm confused by this for a moment as I think to myself that I had just explained "so what" Then God tells me that it has nothing to do with my abilities or my weaknesses.  "So you're sensitive and over emotional? I'll change that into compassion. You tend to be over dramatic? I will turn that into passion. You have too much anxiety? Let me have it, I will give you peace. You are weak and easily tempted? I AM STRENGTH. In an instance God had evaporated my list of reasons. To say I was humbled would be an understatement. I was embarrassed. How had I just given God a list of reason why I can't do it? First of all, he already knows all my flaws, and second, He has never once told me that I was supposed to be able to do it. Throughout the entire Bible there are only stories of those who have failed on their own strength, or who those have made it with God's. The very root of my anxiety was the thought that it is all about me and how I will make it. But the gospel says the exact opposite. God repeatedly tells us that it is through Him and Him alone. And though we are weak and will fail, He can do far more than we could ever think He is capable of doing. He has power too great for us to even imagine. Wow.
    Later on in Ephesians chapter 6 there are some passages that are often called "the armor of God." I remember hearing these verses when I was a child. Sunday school teachers and vacation bible school leaders reminding us to "put on God's armor" At first thought it seems childish and silly but then as I read the verses it all becomes so real to me. This battle that we as Christians are continuously fighting. We think that we are doing it on our own but there are our instructions, right there in Ephesians 6. He even put it into a metaphor for us so it is easy to understand, and yet sometimes we still don't get it.
The belt of Truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of peace, the shield of faith, the sword of the Spirit and the helmet of salvation. Any excuse of weaknesses or fears I can bring to God is shut down by His word in Ephesian 6. I say "God I can't because..." and He says, "but I've given you the specific armor to defend against that." Thank God that He is our strength.

Get out of the boat

Matthew 14:28-33
²⁸ And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” ²⁹ He said,“Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind,^[c] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” ³¹ Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”³² And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. ³³ And those in the boat worshiped him, saying,“Truly you are the Son of God.”

    Nearly three years ago I stepped onto a boat to sail to a small, remote village off the mainland of Haiti. This village is called La Source and ironically, in less than three years has become "the source" of so much of my joy and happiness. Little did I know that by stepping onto that boat I was actually "stepping out of the boat". On April 1, 2012 I arrived to La Source for the first time. Since that day I can hardly remember what life was like before encountering the village. My first trip was surreal. As I walked through the village I was stunned by the poverty and the living conditions. But what shocked me even more was the overflow of joy and the way of life despite their circumstance. What I saw as a lack, the people of the village did not even know that they lacked. They had what they had and were happy about it. It was an eye opening experience to realize that there are people so poor that they don't even realize the extent of their poverty. As many others who have been to La Source can testify, the first trip experience is all but comfortable. I was one who had never been out of the country, never flown on a plane and certainly never sailed five hours on a wooden sailboat. Spending five days sleeping in a tent, showering with a hose and swatting mosquitos in 90 degree heat seems all but ideal, but somehow, the first thing I told my mom when arriving back into the states was "I HAVE to go back." Yes, I was hooked. I was struck by the awe-inspiring love the Haitian people showed me and a four year old little boy named Pippin had managed to melt my heart in less than three days. 
    Seven months later I found myself back in La Source and this time with my mother right by my side. She had seen the excitement and passion I had for the village and with a little convincing and prayer, she decided she had to experience it for herself. Having her with me to share the love I have for the village and now an understanding of why I am so passionate about it was incredible. After leaving the village for a second time though, it was ten times harder than it had been the first time. A few months later I returned to Haiti a third time and struggled even more when leaving. The weeks after the trip I questioned God a lot. I could not understand why He had given me a love so deep for a people who live so far away. No phone calls to check in during the months between trips. No emails to soothe the pain of missing them. Not even letters back and forth. No, the only way to see or communicate with La Source is to get on a plane, ride on a bus and then a several hour boat ride to the island. This is difficult to accept. I was angry and resentful. I asked God why La Source and Pippin were brought into my life. It seemed the pain of missing them and waiting months for the next trip just wasn't worth it. But God soon showed me otherwise. Now as I prepare myself to leave La Source I remember that things God teaches me through those people far exceed any pain I endure upon leaving and the months of separation. 
   I have met people who have forever changed my life; even someone I plan on spending the rest of my life with. So as I wrestle with the "post leaving La Source struggles" I remember the reasons that I continue to return and even more I thank God for each trip He allows me to take. When I start to question God's will or ask why me, why La Source? I imagine Peter obeying Jesus' call to step out of the boat. I see myself doubting and beginning to sink just as Peter did. But then Jesus puts out His hand and I hear him say, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”