Philippians 3:12-14 12 "Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
How can we let go of something that we love? I am not just posing this question for you, I am asking myself this question in this very moment. How is this possible... to let go of something that you love, something that was given to you by God and the love you have for it was also God-given. It seems so contradictory. "God, I don't understand. How can you tell me to let go now? When I am all in? I'm ready to fight. This is the point where I am ready to hold on no matter how much it takes.. and now, now you are telling me to let go? You are the One who told me to grab on in the first place, this just doesn't make sense."
God is taking me back to a moment that happened fifteen months ago. It was October 2013 and I was in Haiti. It was my second trip. My first time in Haiti, seven months earlier, I had met a little boy named Pippin and he had stolen my heart. Now here I was, seven months later and completely ecstatic to be there with him again. I had come that October week ready to enjoy and soak in those precious few days I would be able to spend with Pippin in the village. I had picked up on my first trip that he loved lollipops and peanut butter so this time I had made sure to bring plenty of both of those with me. Each morning I packed my backpack with a few lollipops to share with Pippin throughout the day. One particular afternoon I was standing in the village with dozens of children surrounding me just playing and laughing and singing. Pippin was one of them. He was right at my hip, as he had been all week, holding my hand when I noticed that he kept reaching for something. At this time I did not yet have an understanding of Creole and didn't know what he wanted, then finally I realized there was one last lollipop in my bag and he wanted it. Being that so many other children were around and I only had the one piece of candy I told Pippin "No, not right now." It had also occurred to me that because he was only four and very small, if I were to give it to him the other children might be tempted to bully him to get the candy for themselves. Because I knew this, that it was not at all the right time or place for him to have the candy I immediately told him no, not even considering the fact that he may possibly not be satisfied with my response. (I suppose this was my naivety showing.. now I know how Mom used to feel). But I was surprised when he quickly turned angry with me. He threw my hand from his and started crying, begging me for the lollipop. I was crushed. I only have a few days to spend with Pippin and I certainly didn't want him upset with me for a moment. I wanted all of our time together to be good, I wanted him to know that I loved him. For a second I thought maybe I should just give it to him, but I knew I couldn't, for his sake. I thought if only Pippin could understand, if he saw what I saw and knew what I knew then certainly he would not be upset with me for telling him no. He would simply trust me and say okay.
At this moment I had a revelation. How many times do I act this same way towards God? He tells me "no" or "not right now Courtney, have patience." And I cry and ask Him why because I don't understand why things can't just happen the way I want them to. But I realized how much this hurts God, when we are angry with Him and blaming our pain on Him because we do not get our way. He hurts so much to see us in pain, but because He loves us He may withhold things from us that He knows we do not need. Or maybe He says wait because it is not time yet. Maybe He says "grab on" or maybe He says, "let go." Whatever His answer is for us sometimes the obedience of it is hard. We make it even more painful when we ask God why and try to do things our own way. But He sees the truth of it. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, plans for a future and a hope." We do not see the greater plan. If only we could just trust God's "no" or whatever the uncomfortable answer may be, and comply with it out of faith in Him, knowing that He knows our future and He has only the best planned for us.
I can't say this makes letting go of something or someone painless, but I know that no matter how hard, it is better to do it with a willing and accepting heart rather than seeking to gain control of your situation or hold bitterness towards God for it. I can say that the preceding option is the best because unfortunately, in the past I have done things the latter way, trying to remain in control instead of letting God have the situation. It drags out and intensifies the pain. And in the process of trying to remain in control, or being angry because of your circumstances, you can be missing out on the blessings that God may want you to be receiving though it. So even though I do not know God's plan or reasoning for telling me to let go, I do know that he Has one, and that must be enough right now. Out of love and trust in His sovereign will, I know I must let go. And in the meantime I have to keep in mind that what I am letting go of was never truly mine in the first place, but only a gift from God that I never deserved to have anyways. So I am praying in confidence that He will give me strength to "press on" knowing that it is not in my power but His. And I will just continue to thank Him for the blessing He allowed me to have for the time that I did... even if He decides to never bring it back. I don't say this nonchalantly, because the love that God has given me is immense, which makes letting go the hardest thing I have ever done, which even still seems like an understatement. But in reminding myself that without God, I would never have even had this love in the first place, it makes it a little more bearable to say "Okay, Lord."
Job 1:21, "The Lord gave and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." My initial prayer is the hope that one day God will return His blessing to me once more, and if He does I will be even more indebted to Him for His abundant grace. And if not, I pray for peace and acceptance of His will. And above all I thank Him for allowing me to be a giver and receiver of the most splendid love I could imagine.
