Aspiring Writer's Block

   Writing is one of the few things that has the capability of bringing me clarity. And if it doesn't bring me clarity, it at least allows me to process all the thoughts that are constantly whizzing around in my brain. Unfortunately though, for the past month I have hardly been able to write anything. I would refer to this as what is most commonly known as "writer's block." However, I do not feel qualified enough to self identify myself as a writer... yet hopefully. Regardless of what you would like to call it, I have been struggling.

    I've been writing for as long as I can remember. When I was five years old I wrote my first poem. I scratched it down on a little white scrap of paper in hot pink gel pen... the poem was about butterflies. I still have that little scrap of paper to look at and remind myself why I write. Because when I was five, I wasn't writing so that the whole world would applaud me. And I wasn't writing to make a political statement or to protest an idea. I wrote,
                                                                  Butterflies are yours
                                                                  Butterflies are mine
                                                                  God made butterflies
                                                                  of all different kinds
                                              (There's more but I will spare you the rest.)
because I apparently enjoyed butterflies and I just felt like writing that. Revolutionary right? Well, not really. Actually it's just simple. And simplicity is something that is important.
    A few things that have been refreshed in my mind during my "writer's block."
One: Remember the reason that I write, which is because it's something I love to do, not because I need the world's recognition.
Two: Not doing something because you think you aren't good at it does not help you get any better. Desiring to get better at something is great as long as it doesn't take the enjoyment away from you. But I'm not reluctant to say that everyone has a desire to be good at whatever it is they love to do. I mean that's obvious. If you love to paint, then you want to be good at it. If you want to be a dancer, then you probably want to be a great one. And if you're like me and you love to write, I'm sure you want to continuously learn to write better. Which bring me to the third thing that that was refreshed in my mind: if you want to get better at writing then here is the most important thing you must do...yes, you know, WRITE. When you can't think of anything to say, write. When you're sad, write. When you're happy, write. When you're indifferent, write. And even when you're frustrated about how you can't write, yes again, write.
    The good thing about those refreshers is that you can most likely apply them to just about anything. As in, if you want to get better at anything, you're starting place is always to just do it. (Nike was genius for coining that phrase.) And so I think I'll just end it on that.

                                                                 

God's Promises and Bob Marley

                                                  "This is my message to you-ou-ou:

                                                   Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,

                                              'Cause every little thing is gonna be all right."   

As elementary as the lyrics to Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" are, those seven simple words have changed my life. Cliché as it may be it's true. This changed happen almost two years ago when in the midst of finding myself in an unwanted situation I was crying and wondering how on earth things were going to getting better. While I was crying and complaining about my circumstances someone started singing Marley's lyrics to me and suddenly it felt like things really were going to be okay. I'm sure I've heard people utter phrases like "It'll be okay" my entire life but for some reason it had always felt like just a phrase; I had never actually believed it before. But in that moment I really thought about those words and my outlook on life has since changed tremendously. For most people it may seem like common sense to know that no matter how bad your circumstances are, eventually things will be okay. But for me this had never been a reality. I was never able to see the future hope in any situation. Although I'm not recommending that anyone follow all the life style choices of Bob Marley, I do have to speak my appreciation for so many of his lyrics, especially to this song. Whether you are a fan or not it's difficult to deny the truth of these lyrics. I owe an even greater appreciation to the person who sang me these lyrics and continuously reminded me that things would always be okay. For that I am ever grateful to them. 

What though, do Bob Marley's lyrics have to do with God's promises? Well for me: everything. God's promises are the only reason that the lyrics mean anything at all. For people who don't have a relationship with Christ, it really is difficult if not impossible to see the future hope in bad situations. The good news though is that God has given us a specific answer to what this hope is. That is why "every little thing is gonna be alright" is so much more than just a phrase to me. As silly as it sounds God used Bob Marley to remind me that my hope can always be found in Christ. 

Have you ever learned something new and then suddenly started to hear about it all the time? That's how this realization was for me. Once I truly accepted the truth that things would always be alright eventually, I started hearing it everywhere. I suppose its God's way of taking care of me, by reminding me of my hope in Him.  In Haiti they have a Creole saying that goes, "Tout bagay deja byen paske Jezi chita sou twone li." It's their version of "every thing will be alright" only it translates to "every thing is already well and ends with 'because Jesus sits on His throne.'" Such a wonderful reminder to know that it is well because Jesus has already won the victory for us. I've heard the saying so much over the past two years that now its almost impossible for me to become hopeless over a situation. And any time I start to despair I just hear that same person singing those lyrics to me. Although I'm not quite sure what Bob Marley's religious status was I do know that he spoke a lot of the same truths that are found in Scripture. The words to "Three Little Birds" parallel directly with God's promise to us in Philippians. 

Philippians 4:6-7 

⁶ do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Same places, new faces: The lessons I've learned

    I just recently returned to La Source, Haiti for the eighth time. Since getting back into the states my mind has been in a million different places. Normally, writing is how I begin to figure out my thoughts but for the past two weeks there has been so much on my mind that even writing seemed an impossible task to conquer. Now though, two weeks after returning from my trip to La Source, I have finally found a few moments to process what I experienced.

  After returning from a trip to Haiti just a few months ago in January I did not intend on going back in April. But in the weeks after getting back from Haiti, several things in my life took a very unexpected turn (some good, some bad) and I found myself inadvertently saying "yes, I'll go" in response to a text message asking me if I wanted to join the team going to Haiti in April. The deposit of $600 was already past due in the moment I said "yes" and on top of that I only had $200 to my name. I agreed to go on the trip with less than two months to raise the money and prepare for the week of classes that I would be missing. In the moment that I had agreed to go I didn't really know why I said yes. In the next few weeks I doubted that I should have even done so. When I saw the list of names of our team that would be going I really started to feel like I had made a mistake: 27 people, 18 of which were high school students.

  Although I doubted in my placement on the team I began to pray that God would still allow me to be a servant and to learn many things. A few days later I got a phone call asking if I would help lead devotions for the high school students on the trip. After that I began to feel a little better about my usefulness on the trip. I missed the first few meetings due to being in North Carolina for school. When I attended the last meeting only a week before our trip one of the high-school students called me "mam"; I once again felt severely out of place. Saturday came and we all headed to the Atlanta airport. I was quiet most of the travel day since I didn't know the majority of the people on the team. While looking around at the students on the team I was praying about what God would have me speak to them about during the devotions that week. Looking back now I realize that my prayer probably should have been asking God to open my eyes to all the things those students were going to teach me. 

   Over the next few days these students surprised me immensely. Where I had prepared myself for drama and immaturity they showed wisdom and godly character. I woke up several mornings to see many of them reading their Bibles and worshipping. They volunteered to get things done before they were even asked. They prayed for the people in the village fearlessly and talked about the things of God with boldness. I was astounded at their spiritual maturity. For weeks I had been praying that God would help me love and serve them but had not anticipated the way that they would minister to me. When leaving the village my heart often hurts for leaving the people of La Source, but this time leaving was more emotional than most times because of the way I had started to love our team members as well.

  I now feel like I have 18 new brothers and sisters. All of whom I met and got to know in only a week, yet I miss them dearly. Although this trip had moments that were more difficult and frustrating than any other trip I had been on, the only thing I could think when I returned was how sad I was that it was over. So often I return from La Source and recount the love of Christ that was shown to me by the people of the village, but this time I saw the light of Christ more than I ever thought I would through the people that I last expected to see it though. 

  It is sad to think about the reality that our specific team will probably never be altogether again but I rejoice in the fact that I had the opportunity to get to know each one of them. Now my prayer is that God will continue to work in their lives and grow them in the knowledge of Him. I am humbled by the way these students surpass me in their spiritual walk and aspire to be as Christ-like in my life as many of them are. 

Romans 12:4-6

⁴ For as in one body we have many members,^[a] and the members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. ⁶ Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them.

Where I'd Rather Be

Romans 8:25
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

  Tonight my thoughts are wandering to something other than where I am and what I am actually doing.  I long to be somewhere else with someone very special to me. And although I would do anything to be there right now, the fact is, I'm just not. And no amount of wishing can get me there. So while I sit and think about where I'd rather be and who I'd rather be with, I am prompted to ask God why I'm missing out on something so important to me and why the circumstances can't be different. But God pushes my mind in another direction; the one that leads to the question I should be asking, which is, where is my faith and where is my patience?

  As I long to be in another place tonight encouraging and supporting someone I love, God has me sitting in my humble dorm room allowing me to be drawn to a place of trust and patience. Trusting that even though I cannot be where I want to be and cannot say what I'd like to say, that HE is in control of all my wants and needs and anxieties. Trusting that His love far surpasses mine and that He will not fail me or any of His children. Trusting that when I ask for His provision and protection He will indeed provide.

   He also brings me to patience. Prompting me to wait on His timing and His will before my prayers are answered. To have patience in trusting Him, even when I cannot see the results.

  So tonight as my heart longs to be elsewhere, I am reminded that just maybe I am here so that I can be patient in the hope that God has given me. A hope that He loves me and all His people more than I can fathom and that He is working in hearts even during the times that I can't be present to see it.

I love you near or far

Robert Frost says that "Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words." 

 Being that I find myself reverting to writing in order to explain my thoughts and emotions to others and sometimes, even to understand my own mind, I think I can can relate with what Frost has said. I have always been quite shy about the poetry I write, as there is an idea out there that people who write poetry have a lot of hidden secrets or sadness in their life. Because I have never wanted people to have this idea about me I have always hidden my love for poetry and my own poems from most people. But since it is a big part of who I am, and a testament to the experiences in my life and the wonderful people I have been blessed to know, I thought I would take a small step to sharing that. The sharing of this is poem is more for me than anyone who may happen to read it, but anyways here you are. 

See through 

You think no one can tell
But I see through it all
Make em think that you're well
But I know when you fall 

What can I do
Except watch, without hope 
I know I can't help you 
But how do I cope

With this ever present thought 
That you're not okay 
Knowing, even if I fought
I might never see the day

That you finally return
Your heart, once again whole
That passion, that burn
Reignited in your soul 

The immensity of your care
The intensity of your love 
I know it's all there 
I know it's what you're made of

Love and kindness and sincerity
The things that make you
Believe me, you're a rarity
I saw in the beginning, I already knew. 

You keep trying to hide 
But it's not fooling me
Because I see inside 
I know what you're meant to be

The caring, devoted, courageous one. 
Who's spirit burns brilliantly
It outshines the sun 
Ever so blissfully 

He'll attempt to deny
The insanity he holds 
An insanity of love, with more depth than the sky. 
And he doesn't even realize the things he upholds. 

But I do, and always will
To you, I'll impart 
Being with you was surreal
Promise me you won't forget what's in your heart. 

Letting Go Because I Love

^{Philippians 3:12-14   12 "}Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. ¹³ Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

      How can we let go of something that we love? I am not just posing this question for you, I am asking myself this question in this very moment. How is this possible... to let go of something that you love, something that was given to you by God and the love you have for it was also God-given. It seems so contradictory. "God, I don't understand. How can you tell me to let go now? When I am all in? I'm ready to fight. This is the point where I am ready to hold on no matter how much it takes.. and now, now you are telling me to let go? You are the One who told me to grab on in the first place, this just doesn't make sense." 
     God is taking me back to a moment that happened fifteen months ago. It was October 2013 and I was in Haiti. It was my second trip. My first time in Haiti, seven months earlier, I had met a little boy named Pippin and he had stolen my heart. Now here I was, seven months later and completely ecstatic to be there with him again. I had come that October week ready to enjoy and soak in those precious few days I would be able to spend with Pippin in the village. I had picked up on my first trip that he loved lollipops and peanut butter so this time I had made sure to bring plenty of both of those with me. Each morning I packed my backpack with a few lollipops to share with Pippin throughout the day. One particular afternoon I was standing in the village with dozens of children surrounding me just playing and laughing and singing. Pippin was one of them. He was right at my hip, as he had been all week, holding my hand when I noticed that he kept reaching for something. At this time I did not yet have an understanding of Creole and didn't know what he wanted, then finally I realized there was one last lollipop in my bag and he wanted it. Being that so many other children were around and I only had the one piece of candy I told Pippin "No, not right now." It had also occurred to me that because he was only four and very small, if I were to give it to him the other children might be tempted to bully him to get the candy for themselves. Because I knew this, that it was not at all the right time or place for him to have the candy I immediately told him no, not even considering the fact that he may possibly not be satisfied with my response. (I suppose this was my naivety showing.. now I know how Mom used to feel). But I was surprised when he quickly turned angry with me. He threw my hand from his and started crying, begging me for the lollipop. I was crushed. I only have a few days to spend with Pippin and I certainly didn't want him upset with me for a moment. I wanted all of our time together to be good, I wanted him to know that I loved him. For a second I thought maybe I should just give it to him, but I knew I couldn't, for his sake. I thought if only Pippin could understand, if he saw what I saw and knew what I knew then certainly he would not be upset with me for telling him no. He would simply trust me and say okay. 
At this moment I had a revelation. How many times do I act this same way towards God? He tells me "no" or "not right now Courtney, have patience." And I cry and ask Him why because I don't understand why things can't just happen the way I want them to. But I realized how much this hurts God, when we are angry with Him and blaming our pain on Him because we do not get our way. He hurts so much to see us in pain, but because He loves us He may withhold things from us that He knows we do not need. Or maybe He says wait because it is not time yet. Maybe He says "grab on" or maybe He says, "let go." Whatever His answer is for us sometimes the obedience of it is hard. We make it even more painful when we ask God why and try to do things our own way. But He sees the truth of it. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, plans for a future and a hope." We do not see the greater plan. If only we could just trust God's "no" or whatever the uncomfortable answer may be, and comply with it out of faith in Him, knowing that He knows our future and He has only the best planned for us.
     I can't say this makes letting go of something or someone painless, but I know that no matter how hard, it is better to do it with a willing and accepting heart rather than seeking to gain control of your situation or hold bitterness towards God for it. I can say that the preceding option is the best because unfortunately, in the past I have done things the latter way, trying to remain in control instead of letting God have the situation. It drags out and intensifies the pain. And in the process of trying to remain in control, or being angry because of your circumstances, you can be missing out on the blessings that God may want you to be receiving though it. So even though I do not know God's plan or reasoning for telling me to let go, I do know that he Has one, and that must be enough right now. Out of love and trust in His sovereign will, I know I must let go. And in the meantime I have to keep in mind that what I am letting go of was never truly mine in the first place, but only a gift from God that I never deserved to have anyways. So I am praying in confidence that He will give me strength to "press on" knowing that it is not in my power but His. And I will just continue to thank Him for the blessing He allowed me to have for the time that I did... even if He decides to never bring it back. I don't say this nonchalantly, because the love that God has given me is immense, which makes letting go the hardest thing I have ever done, which even still seems like an understatement. But in reminding myself that without God, I would never have even had this love in the first place, it makes it a little more bearable to say "Okay, Lord." 
     Job 1:21, "The Lord gave and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." My initial prayer is the hope that one day God will return His blessing to me once more, and if He does I will be even more indebted to Him for His abundant grace. And if not, I pray for peace and acceptance of His will. And above all I thank Him for allowing me to be a giver and receiver of the most splendid love I could imagine. 

Love, what is it good for?

1 Corinthians 13:13
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

"I have fallen out of love with them." "I do not love them anymore." "I have no more love to give."

    These statements are made by people everywhere every day. But I do not believe any of these statements can be true. A bold thing to say I know, but let me explain why. Growing up I was made to understand that love was warm feelings that you got for someone you enjoyed being around. This is obviously a childish definition for love,  and I believe that most people would be willing to agree that love is indeed much more that that. The average person is well aware that love is much more than warm feelings, they are aware that there will be bumps in the road and are willing to walk over those bumps when they appear, maybe even a small hill. But what I've noticed about myself and so many others is the tendency to revert back to that puerile definition of love when all the sudden in the road there appears a 90 degree angle cliff. "Nope, this isn't right." "Not me, there is no way I will trek this mountain. I can't and I won't. This must mean I need to turn around." This attitude is often the first reaction for most of us. And there is some truth to this initial reaction. It is indeed quite impossible for us to take a trek of that magnitude alone. But there's the catch, alone. I'm sure by now many of you know where I am going with this. Yes, I am saying that we are not meant to do it alone, God is the one who will take us through it. He is here to walk this road with us, whatever cliche way you would like to put it. But that is not simply all. You see, it is so easy to say we need God's help and leave it at that. But it is so much greater than just that. We don't need God's "help" and He does not need ours. Even admitting that we need God's help on this journey is not enough. To say that would be to say we are still walking this road alone, with God on the curbside. And then when a bump arises we look back at God and ask Him to swiftly carry us over it, and then leave us to be on our way. No, no no. He is to be in front of us, guiding our every last step. Leading us from moment to moment. This is not our life to do on our own with the occasional request of His assistance. He is leading. And we are following. So what does this have to do with love? Well I believe it means that we are capable of giving 100% more than what we do or think we can. So often people tend to believe there is a point in time where we can run out of love, or have no more in us to give. But this is not true. 1 John 4:7 says, "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." This clearly states that any love we have or give comes from God. And God does not run out of love. His love is infinite. So if our love comes from Him, then how could we ever run out? How could we ever stop loving someone? How can we reach the point of no return? Where there are no more second chances or no more forgiveness? I believe this point comes only when we are loving on our own strength, which we have never been intended to do. 
    So what does this look like in our everyday lives? What will it mean for our relationships and the way we deal with tragic disappointments or situations that seem unbearable? It means that no amount of time, effort or pain will take love away. It means painstaking sacrificing and patience. I think it means that hope is never lost. There is always forgiveness to be given. It means loving those around us even when they are "unloveable." On our own strength and will power this is not possible. There will always be that situation or wrong done to you that breaks you to your very core and we have nothing left in us to keep going. And that is when we call on Christ and He replenishes our soul. And through His love, we CAN keep loving. Please do not take this to mean that there are not times in life where we let go of a certain person or situation. I'm not talking about staying in an unhealthy, ungodly relationship. And even letting go of something like that does not mean we can't still love. But I'm talking about truly loving those that God has placed in our lives to have a relationship with day in and day out. The ones we are specifically called to love. Our family, our friends, our partner, our coworkers, our neighbors. Let us realize how likely it is that there may be more bad times than good. Maybe more struggles than easy going times. But so what? When were we promised that life would be that way? Many know the phrase "life's not easy" but it seems that even if we know this, we still expect more easy than difficult. We often lose our fight when the seemingly impossible cliff arises. But there lies the point. We can't do it and weren't meant to. You were not meant to handle your adulteress spouse alone. You are not expected to solely and sufficiently love your rebellious child. We are not built to manage that hateful coworker who gets at us out of spite. Or even the innocent tragedies, we were never meant to undergo it alone. So that is why I don't believe in "no more love." This of course does not mean the road becomes easier. Or that suddenly loving people unconditionally comes naturally. But it does become possible. 1 John 4:19 says, "We love because He first loved us." How comforting to know that we aren't on our own strength. I have been shown and taught this love through people in my life that I will never come close to deserving. They have loved me when I was unloveable. When I am selfish, irrational, and honestly just crazy. But there they are and will continue to be. I have failed them and they will fail me but God's love through us is sufficient. It holds against every trial and it is worth every last ounce of fight we have to give.