Romans 8:25
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Tonight my thoughts are wandering to something other than where I am and what I am actually doing. I long to be somewhere else with someone very special to me. And although I would do anything to be there right now, the fact is, I'm just not. And no amount of wishing can get me there. So while I sit and think about where I'd rather be and who I'd rather be with, I am prompted to ask God why I'm missing out on something so important to me and why the circumstances can't be different. But God pushes my mind in another direction; the one that leads to the question I should be asking, which is, where is my faith and where is my patience?
As I long to be in another place tonight encouraging and supporting someone I love, God has me sitting in my humble dorm room allowing me to be drawn to a place of trust and patience. Trusting that even though I cannot be where I want to be and cannot say what I'd like to say, that HE is in control of all my wants and needs and anxieties. Trusting that His love far surpasses mine and that He will not fail me or any of His children. Trusting that when I ask for His provision and protection He will indeed provide.
He also brings me to patience. Prompting me to wait on His timing and His will before my prayers are answered. To have patience in trusting Him, even when I cannot see the results.
So tonight as my heart longs to be elsewhere, I am reminded that just maybe I am here so that I can be patient in the hope that God has given me. A hope that He loves me and all His people more than I can fathom and that He is working in hearts even during the times that I can't be present to see it.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
I love you near or far
Robert Frost says that "Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words."
You think no one can tell
But I see through it all
Make em think that you're well
But I know when you fall
What can I do
Except watch, without hope
I know I can't help you
But how do I cope
With this ever present thought
That you're not okay
Knowing, even if I fought
I might never see the day
That you finally return
Your heart, once again whole
That passion, that burn
Reignited in your soul
The immensity of your care
The intensity of your love
I know it's all there
I know it's what you're made of
Love and kindness and sincerity
The things that make you
Believe me, you're a rarity
I saw in the beginning, I already knew.
You keep trying to hide
But it's not fooling me
Because I see inside
I know what you're meant to be
The caring, devoted, courageous one.
Who's spirit burns brilliantly
It outshines the sun
Ever so blissfully
He'll attempt to deny
The insanity he holds
An insanity of love, with more depth than the sky.
And he doesn't even realize the things he upholds.
But I do, and always will
To you, I'll impart
Being with you was surreal
Promise me you won't forget what's in your heart.
Being that I find myself reverting to writing in order to explain my thoughts and emotions to others and sometimes, even to understand my own mind, I think I can can relate with what Frost has said. I have always been quite shy about the poetry I write, as there is an idea out there that people who write poetry have a lot of hidden secrets or sadness in their life. Because I have never wanted people to have this idea about me I have always hidden my love for poetry and my own poems from most people. But since it is a big part of who I am, and a testament to the experiences in my life and the wonderful people I have been blessed to know, I thought I would take a small step to sharing that. The sharing of this is poem is more for me than anyone who may happen to read it, but anyways here you are.
See through
You think no one can tell
But I see through it all
Make em think that you're well
But I know when you fall
What can I do
Except watch, without hope
I know I can't help you
But how do I cope
With this ever present thought
That you're not okay
Knowing, even if I fought
I might never see the day
That you finally return
Your heart, once again whole
That passion, that burn
Reignited in your soul
The immensity of your care
The intensity of your love
I know it's all there
I know it's what you're made of
Love and kindness and sincerity
The things that make you
Believe me, you're a rarity
I saw in the beginning, I already knew.
You keep trying to hide
But it's not fooling me
Because I see inside
I know what you're meant to be
The caring, devoted, courageous one.
Who's spirit burns brilliantly
It outshines the sun
Ever so blissfully
He'll attempt to deny
The insanity he holds
An insanity of love, with more depth than the sky.
And he doesn't even realize the things he upholds.
But I do, and always will
To you, I'll impart
Being with you was surreal
Promise me you won't forget what's in your heart.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Letting Go Because I Love
Philippians 3:12-14 12 "Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
How can we let go of something that we love? I am not just posing this question for you, I am asking myself this question in this very moment. How is this possible... to let go of something that you love, something that was given to you by God and the love you have for it was also God-given. It seems so contradictory. "God, I don't understand. How can you tell me to let go now? When I am all in? I'm ready to fight. This is the point where I am ready to hold on no matter how much it takes.. and now, now you are telling me to let go? You are the One who told me to grab on in the first place, this just doesn't make sense."
God is taking me back to a moment that happened fifteen months ago. It was October 2013 and I was in Haiti. It was my second trip. My first time in Haiti, seven months earlier, I had met a little boy named Pippin and he had stolen my heart. Now here I was, seven months later and completely ecstatic to be there with him again. I had come that October week ready to enjoy and soak in those precious few days I would be able to spend with Pippin in the village. I had picked up on my first trip that he loved lollipops and peanut butter so this time I had made sure to bring plenty of both of those with me. Each morning I packed my backpack with a few lollipops to share with Pippin throughout the day. One particular afternoon I was standing in the village with dozens of children surrounding me just playing and laughing and singing. Pippin was one of them. He was right at my hip, as he had been all week, holding my hand when I noticed that he kept reaching for something. At this time I did not yet have an understanding of Creole and didn't know what he wanted, then finally I realized there was one last lollipop in my bag and he wanted it. Being that so many other children were around and I only had the one piece of candy I told Pippin "No, not right now." It had also occurred to me that because he was only four and very small, if I were to give it to him the other children might be tempted to bully him to get the candy for themselves. Because I knew this, that it was not at all the right time or place for him to have the candy I immediately told him no, not even considering the fact that he may possibly not be satisfied with my response. (I suppose this was my naivety showing.. now I know how Mom used to feel). But I was surprised when he quickly turned angry with me. He threw my hand from his and started crying, begging me for the lollipop. I was crushed. I only have a few days to spend with Pippin and I certainly didn't want him upset with me for a moment. I wanted all of our time together to be good, I wanted him to know that I loved him. For a second I thought maybe I should just give it to him, but I knew I couldn't, for his sake. I thought if only Pippin could understand, if he saw what I saw and knew what I knew then certainly he would not be upset with me for telling him no. He would simply trust me and say okay.
At this moment I had a revelation. How many times do I act this same way towards God? He tells me "no" or "not right now Courtney, have patience." And I cry and ask Him why because I don't understand why things can't just happen the way I want them to. But I realized how much this hurts God, when we are angry with Him and blaming our pain on Him because we do not get our way. He hurts so much to see us in pain, but because He loves us He may withhold things from us that He knows we do not need. Or maybe He says wait because it is not time yet. Maybe He says "grab on" or maybe He says, "let go." Whatever His answer is for us sometimes the obedience of it is hard. We make it even more painful when we ask God why and try to do things our own way. But He sees the truth of it. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, plans for a future and a hope." We do not see the greater plan. If only we could just trust God's "no" or whatever the uncomfortable answer may be, and comply with it out of faith in Him, knowing that He knows our future and He has only the best planned for us.
I can't say this makes letting go of something or someone painless, but I know that no matter how hard, it is better to do it with a willing and accepting heart rather than seeking to gain control of your situation or hold bitterness towards God for it. I can say that the preceding option is the best because unfortunately, in the past I have done things the latter way, trying to remain in control instead of letting God have the situation. It drags out and intensifies the pain. And in the process of trying to remain in control, or being angry because of your circumstances, you can be missing out on the blessings that God may want you to be receiving though it. So even though I do not know God's plan or reasoning for telling me to let go, I do know that he Has one, and that must be enough right now. Out of love and trust in His sovereign will, I know I must let go. And in the meantime I have to keep in mind that what I am letting go of was never truly mine in the first place, but only a gift from God that I never deserved to have anyways. So I am praying in confidence that He will give me strength to "press on" knowing that it is not in my power but His. And I will just continue to thank Him for the blessing He allowed me to have for the time that I did... even if He decides to never bring it back. I don't say this nonchalantly, because the love that God has given me is immense, which makes letting go the hardest thing I have ever done, which even still seems like an understatement. But in reminding myself that without God, I would never have even had this love in the first place, it makes it a little more bearable to say "Okay, Lord."
Job 1:21, "The Lord gave and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." My initial prayer is the hope that one day God will return His blessing to me once more, and if He does I will be even more indebted to Him for His abundant grace. And if not, I pray for peace and acceptance of His will. And above all I thank Him for allowing me to be a giver and receiver of the most splendid love I could imagine.
How can we let go of something that we love? I am not just posing this question for you, I am asking myself this question in this very moment. How is this possible... to let go of something that you love, something that was given to you by God and the love you have for it was also God-given. It seems so contradictory. "God, I don't understand. How can you tell me to let go now? When I am all in? I'm ready to fight. This is the point where I am ready to hold on no matter how much it takes.. and now, now you are telling me to let go? You are the One who told me to grab on in the first place, this just doesn't make sense."
God is taking me back to a moment that happened fifteen months ago. It was October 2013 and I was in Haiti. It was my second trip. My first time in Haiti, seven months earlier, I had met a little boy named Pippin and he had stolen my heart. Now here I was, seven months later and completely ecstatic to be there with him again. I had come that October week ready to enjoy and soak in those precious few days I would be able to spend with Pippin in the village. I had picked up on my first trip that he loved lollipops and peanut butter so this time I had made sure to bring plenty of both of those with me. Each morning I packed my backpack with a few lollipops to share with Pippin throughout the day. One particular afternoon I was standing in the village with dozens of children surrounding me just playing and laughing and singing. Pippin was one of them. He was right at my hip, as he had been all week, holding my hand when I noticed that he kept reaching for something. At this time I did not yet have an understanding of Creole and didn't know what he wanted, then finally I realized there was one last lollipop in my bag and he wanted it. Being that so many other children were around and I only had the one piece of candy I told Pippin "No, not right now." It had also occurred to me that because he was only four and very small, if I were to give it to him the other children might be tempted to bully him to get the candy for themselves. Because I knew this, that it was not at all the right time or place for him to have the candy I immediately told him no, not even considering the fact that he may possibly not be satisfied with my response. (I suppose this was my naivety showing.. now I know how Mom used to feel). But I was surprised when he quickly turned angry with me. He threw my hand from his and started crying, begging me for the lollipop. I was crushed. I only have a few days to spend with Pippin and I certainly didn't want him upset with me for a moment. I wanted all of our time together to be good, I wanted him to know that I loved him. For a second I thought maybe I should just give it to him, but I knew I couldn't, for his sake. I thought if only Pippin could understand, if he saw what I saw and knew what I knew then certainly he would not be upset with me for telling him no. He would simply trust me and say okay.
At this moment I had a revelation. How many times do I act this same way towards God? He tells me "no" or "not right now Courtney, have patience." And I cry and ask Him why because I don't understand why things can't just happen the way I want them to. But I realized how much this hurts God, when we are angry with Him and blaming our pain on Him because we do not get our way. He hurts so much to see us in pain, but because He loves us He may withhold things from us that He knows we do not need. Or maybe He says wait because it is not time yet. Maybe He says "grab on" or maybe He says, "let go." Whatever His answer is for us sometimes the obedience of it is hard. We make it even more painful when we ask God why and try to do things our own way. But He sees the truth of it. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, plans for a future and a hope." We do not see the greater plan. If only we could just trust God's "no" or whatever the uncomfortable answer may be, and comply with it out of faith in Him, knowing that He knows our future and He has only the best planned for us.
I can't say this makes letting go of something or someone painless, but I know that no matter how hard, it is better to do it with a willing and accepting heart rather than seeking to gain control of your situation or hold bitterness towards God for it. I can say that the preceding option is the best because unfortunately, in the past I have done things the latter way, trying to remain in control instead of letting God have the situation. It drags out and intensifies the pain. And in the process of trying to remain in control, or being angry because of your circumstances, you can be missing out on the blessings that God may want you to be receiving though it. So even though I do not know God's plan or reasoning for telling me to let go, I do know that he Has one, and that must be enough right now. Out of love and trust in His sovereign will, I know I must let go. And in the meantime I have to keep in mind that what I am letting go of was never truly mine in the first place, but only a gift from God that I never deserved to have anyways. So I am praying in confidence that He will give me strength to "press on" knowing that it is not in my power but His. And I will just continue to thank Him for the blessing He allowed me to have for the time that I did... even if He decides to never bring it back. I don't say this nonchalantly, because the love that God has given me is immense, which makes letting go the hardest thing I have ever done, which even still seems like an understatement. But in reminding myself that without God, I would never have even had this love in the first place, it makes it a little more bearable to say "Okay, Lord."
Job 1:21, "The Lord gave and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." My initial prayer is the hope that one day God will return His blessing to me once more, and if He does I will be even more indebted to Him for His abundant grace. And if not, I pray for peace and acceptance of His will. And above all I thank Him for allowing me to be a giver and receiver of the most splendid love I could imagine.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Love, what is it good for?
1 Corinthians 13:13
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
"I have fallen out of love with them." "I do not love them anymore." "I have no more love to give."
These statements are made by people everywhere every day. But I do not believe any of these statements can be true. A bold thing to say I know, but let me explain why. Growing up I was made to understand that love was warm feelings that you got for someone you enjoyed being around. This is obviously a childish definition for love, and I believe that most people would be willing to agree that love is indeed much more that that. The average person is well aware that love is much more than warm feelings, they are aware that there will be bumps in the road and are willing to walk over those bumps when they appear, maybe even a small hill. But what I've noticed about myself and so many others is the tendency to revert back to that puerile definition of love when all the sudden in the road there appears a 90 degree angle cliff. "Nope, this isn't right." "Not me, there is no way I will trek this mountain. I can't and I won't. This must mean I need to turn around." This attitude is often the first reaction for most of us. And there is some truth to this initial reaction. It is indeed quite impossible for us to take a trek of that magnitude alone. But there's the catch, alone. I'm sure by now many of you know where I am going with this. Yes, I am saying that we are not meant to do it alone, God is the one who will take us through it. He is here to walk this road with us, whatever cliche way you would like to put it. But that is not simply all. You see, it is so easy to say we need God's help and leave it at that. But it is so much greater than just that. We don't need God's "help" and He does not need ours. Even admitting that we need God's help on this journey is not enough. To say that would be to say we are still walking this road alone, with God on the curbside. And then when a bump arises we look back at God and ask Him to swiftly carry us over it, and then leave us to be on our way. No, no no. He is to be in front of us, guiding our every last step. Leading us from moment to moment. This is not our life to do on our own with the occasional request of His assistance. He is leading. And we are following. So what does this have to do with love? Well I believe it means that we are capable of giving 100% more than what we do or think we can. So often people tend to believe there is a point in time where we can run out of love, or have no more in us to give. But this is not true. 1 John 4:7 says, "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." This clearly states that any love we have or give comes from God. And God does not run out of love. His love is infinite. So if our love comes from Him, then how could we ever run out? How could we ever stop loving someone? How can we reach the point of no return? Where there are no more second chances or no more forgiveness? I believe this point comes only when we are loving on our own strength, which we have never been intended to do.
So what does this look like in our everyday lives? What will it mean for our relationships and the way we deal with tragic disappointments or situations that seem unbearable? It means that no amount of time, effort or pain will take love away. It means painstaking sacrificing and patience. I think it means that hope is never lost. There is always forgiveness to be given. It means loving those around us even when they are "unloveable." On our own strength and will power this is not possible. There will always be that situation or wrong done to you that breaks you to your very core and we have nothing left in us to keep going. And that is when we call on Christ and He replenishes our soul. And through His love, we CAN keep loving. Please do not take this to mean that there are not times in life where we let go of a certain person or situation. I'm not talking about staying in an unhealthy, ungodly relationship. And even letting go of something like that does not mean we can't still love. But I'm talking about truly loving those that God has placed in our lives to have a relationship with day in and day out. The ones we are specifically called to love. Our family, our friends, our partner, our coworkers, our neighbors. Let us realize how likely it is that there may be more bad times than good. Maybe more struggles than easy going times. But so what? When were we promised that life would be that way? Many know the phrase "life's not easy" but it seems that even if we know this, we still expect more easy than difficult. We often lose our fight when the seemingly impossible cliff arises. But there lies the point. We can't do it and weren't meant to. You were not meant to handle your adulteress spouse alone. You are not expected to solely and sufficiently love your rebellious child. We are not built to manage that hateful coworker who gets at us out of spite. Or even the innocent tragedies, we were never meant to undergo it alone. So that is why I don't believe in "no more love." This of course does not mean the road becomes easier. Or that suddenly loving people unconditionally comes naturally. But it does become possible. 1 John 4:19 says, "We love because He first loved us." How comforting to know that we aren't on our own strength. I have been shown and taught this love through people in my life that I will never come close to deserving. They have loved me when I was unloveable. When I am selfish, irrational, and honestly just crazy. But there they are and will continue to be. I have failed them and they will fail me but God's love through us is sufficient. It holds against every trial and it is worth every last ounce of fight we have to give.
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
"I have fallen out of love with them." "I do not love them anymore." "I have no more love to give."
These statements are made by people everywhere every day. But I do not believe any of these statements can be true. A bold thing to say I know, but let me explain why. Growing up I was made to understand that love was warm feelings that you got for someone you enjoyed being around. This is obviously a childish definition for love, and I believe that most people would be willing to agree that love is indeed much more that that. The average person is well aware that love is much more than warm feelings, they are aware that there will be bumps in the road and are willing to walk over those bumps when they appear, maybe even a small hill. But what I've noticed about myself and so many others is the tendency to revert back to that puerile definition of love when all the sudden in the road there appears a 90 degree angle cliff. "Nope, this isn't right." "Not me, there is no way I will trek this mountain. I can't and I won't. This must mean I need to turn around." This attitude is often the first reaction for most of us. And there is some truth to this initial reaction. It is indeed quite impossible for us to take a trek of that magnitude alone. But there's the catch, alone. I'm sure by now many of you know where I am going with this. Yes, I am saying that we are not meant to do it alone, God is the one who will take us through it. He is here to walk this road with us, whatever cliche way you would like to put it. But that is not simply all. You see, it is so easy to say we need God's help and leave it at that. But it is so much greater than just that. We don't need God's "help" and He does not need ours. Even admitting that we need God's help on this journey is not enough. To say that would be to say we are still walking this road alone, with God on the curbside. And then when a bump arises we look back at God and ask Him to swiftly carry us over it, and then leave us to be on our way. No, no no. He is to be in front of us, guiding our every last step. Leading us from moment to moment. This is not our life to do on our own with the occasional request of His assistance. He is leading. And we are following. So what does this have to do with love? Well I believe it means that we are capable of giving 100% more than what we do or think we can. So often people tend to believe there is a point in time where we can run out of love, or have no more in us to give. But this is not true. 1 John 4:7 says, "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." This clearly states that any love we have or give comes from God. And God does not run out of love. His love is infinite. So if our love comes from Him, then how could we ever run out? How could we ever stop loving someone? How can we reach the point of no return? Where there are no more second chances or no more forgiveness? I believe this point comes only when we are loving on our own strength, which we have never been intended to do.
So what does this look like in our everyday lives? What will it mean for our relationships and the way we deal with tragic disappointments or situations that seem unbearable? It means that no amount of time, effort or pain will take love away. It means painstaking sacrificing and patience. I think it means that hope is never lost. There is always forgiveness to be given. It means loving those around us even when they are "unloveable." On our own strength and will power this is not possible. There will always be that situation or wrong done to you that breaks you to your very core and we have nothing left in us to keep going. And that is when we call on Christ and He replenishes our soul. And through His love, we CAN keep loving. Please do not take this to mean that there are not times in life where we let go of a certain person or situation. I'm not talking about staying in an unhealthy, ungodly relationship. And even letting go of something like that does not mean we can't still love. But I'm talking about truly loving those that God has placed in our lives to have a relationship with day in and day out. The ones we are specifically called to love. Our family, our friends, our partner, our coworkers, our neighbors. Let us realize how likely it is that there may be more bad times than good. Maybe more struggles than easy going times. But so what? When were we promised that life would be that way? Many know the phrase "life's not easy" but it seems that even if we know this, we still expect more easy than difficult. We often lose our fight when the seemingly impossible cliff arises. But there lies the point. We can't do it and weren't meant to. You were not meant to handle your adulteress spouse alone. You are not expected to solely and sufficiently love your rebellious child. We are not built to manage that hateful coworker who gets at us out of spite. Or even the innocent tragedies, we were never meant to undergo it alone. So that is why I don't believe in "no more love." This of course does not mean the road becomes easier. Or that suddenly loving people unconditionally comes naturally. But it does become possible. 1 John 4:19 says, "We love because He first loved us." How comforting to know that we aren't on our own strength. I have been shown and taught this love through people in my life that I will never come close to deserving. They have loved me when I was unloveable. When I am selfish, irrational, and honestly just crazy. But there they are and will continue to be. I have failed them and they will fail me but God's love through us is sufficient. It holds against every trial and it is worth every last ounce of fight we have to give.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
He is Stength
"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory."
Ephesians 3:20-21
I have a journal that was given to me about three years ago by my mother. She gave it to me before my first trip to La Source, Haiti. For the past few years I have taken it on every trip with me and documented, prayed and reflected in it. It has now become known as my "Haiti journal", but a few times a week I find myself writing my prayers in it. There is a verse written on the top of each day's page of the journal. I suppose the verses were picked and placed at random but somehow each day the verse applies to specifically what God has been speaking to me about. Ephesians 3:20-21 was the verse in my journal a few days ago and it has been resonating with me ever since I read it. "He is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think" This is astounding to me. As I wrote in my journal this particular day it was a prayer for help. I was feeling very insufficient. Lately I had let my circumstances control my thoughts and emotions. As I was thinking about all the struggles and difficult circumstances going on in my life right now I was feeling quite sorry for myself. I sat there and told God all the reasons why "I can't do it", "I won't make it", or "God, you've chosen the wrong girl for this one." I also proceeded to give Him a list of why. God, I don't think you understand what kind of person I am. I'm too sensitive, too emotional and over dramatic. I have lots of anxiety, I'm weak and easily tempted. After laying out many of my character flaws as a list of reasons why God cannot possibly use me, He finally responds to me. God says to me "so what?". Plain and simple "so what?" I'm confused by this for a moment as I think to myself that I had just explained "so what" Then God tells me that it has nothing to do with my abilities or my weaknesses. "So you're sensitive and over emotional? I'll change that into compassion. You tend to be over dramatic? I will turn that into passion. You have too much anxiety? Let me have it, I will give you peace. You are weak and easily tempted? I AM STRENGTH. In an instance God had evaporated my list of reasons. To say I was humbled would be an understatement. I was embarrassed. How had I just given God a list of reason why I can't do it? First of all, he already knows all my flaws, and second, He has never once told me that I was supposed to be able to do it. Throughout the entire Bible there are only stories of those who have failed on their own strength, or who those have made it with God's. The very root of my anxiety was the thought that it is all about me and how I will make it. But the gospel says the exact opposite. God repeatedly tells us that it is through Him and Him alone. And though we are weak and will fail, He can do far more than we could ever think He is capable of doing. He has power too great for us to even imagine. Wow.
Later on in Ephesians chapter 6 there are some passages that are often called "the armor of God." I remember hearing these verses when I was a child. Sunday school teachers and vacation bible school leaders reminding us to "put on God's armor" At first thought it seems childish and silly but then as I read the verses it all becomes so real to me. This battle that we as Christians are continuously fighting. We think that we are doing it on our own but there are our instructions, right there in Ephesians 6. He even put it into a metaphor for us so it is easy to understand, and yet sometimes we still don't get it.
The belt of Truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of peace, the shield of faith, the sword of the Spirit and the helmet of salvation. Any excuse of weaknesses or fears I can bring to God is shut down by His word in Ephesian 6. I say "God I can't because..." and He says, "but I've given you the specific armor to defend against that." Thank God that He is our strength.
Ephesians 3:20-21
I have a journal that was given to me about three years ago by my mother. She gave it to me before my first trip to La Source, Haiti. For the past few years I have taken it on every trip with me and documented, prayed and reflected in it. It has now become known as my "Haiti journal", but a few times a week I find myself writing my prayers in it. There is a verse written on the top of each day's page of the journal. I suppose the verses were picked and placed at random but somehow each day the verse applies to specifically what God has been speaking to me about. Ephesians 3:20-21 was the verse in my journal a few days ago and it has been resonating with me ever since I read it. "He is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think" This is astounding to me. As I wrote in my journal this particular day it was a prayer for help. I was feeling very insufficient. Lately I had let my circumstances control my thoughts and emotions. As I was thinking about all the struggles and difficult circumstances going on in my life right now I was feeling quite sorry for myself. I sat there and told God all the reasons why "I can't do it", "I won't make it", or "God, you've chosen the wrong girl for this one." I also proceeded to give Him a list of why. God, I don't think you understand what kind of person I am. I'm too sensitive, too emotional and over dramatic. I have lots of anxiety, I'm weak and easily tempted. After laying out many of my character flaws as a list of reasons why God cannot possibly use me, He finally responds to me. God says to me "so what?". Plain and simple "so what?" I'm confused by this for a moment as I think to myself that I had just explained "so what" Then God tells me that it has nothing to do with my abilities or my weaknesses. "So you're sensitive and over emotional? I'll change that into compassion. You tend to be over dramatic? I will turn that into passion. You have too much anxiety? Let me have it, I will give you peace. You are weak and easily tempted? I AM STRENGTH. In an instance God had evaporated my list of reasons. To say I was humbled would be an understatement. I was embarrassed. How had I just given God a list of reason why I can't do it? First of all, he already knows all my flaws, and second, He has never once told me that I was supposed to be able to do it. Throughout the entire Bible there are only stories of those who have failed on their own strength, or who those have made it with God's. The very root of my anxiety was the thought that it is all about me and how I will make it. But the gospel says the exact opposite. God repeatedly tells us that it is through Him and Him alone. And though we are weak and will fail, He can do far more than we could ever think He is capable of doing. He has power too great for us to even imagine. Wow.
Later on in Ephesians chapter 6 there are some passages that are often called "the armor of God." I remember hearing these verses when I was a child. Sunday school teachers and vacation bible school leaders reminding us to "put on God's armor" At first thought it seems childish and silly but then as I read the verses it all becomes so real to me. This battle that we as Christians are continuously fighting. We think that we are doing it on our own but there are our instructions, right there in Ephesians 6. He even put it into a metaphor for us so it is easy to understand, and yet sometimes we still don't get it.
The belt of Truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of peace, the shield of faith, the sword of the Spirit and the helmet of salvation. Any excuse of weaknesses or fears I can bring to God is shut down by His word in Ephesian 6. I say "God I can't because..." and He says, "but I've given you the specific armor to defend against that." Thank God that He is our strength.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Get out of the boat
Matthew 14:28-33
28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said,“Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind,[c] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33 And those in the boat worshiped him, saying,“Truly you are the Son of God.”
Nearly three years ago I stepped onto a boat to sail to a small, remote village off the mainland of Haiti. This village is called La Source and ironically, in less than three years has become "the source" of so much of my joy and happiness. Little did I know that by stepping onto that boat I was actually "stepping out of the boat". On April 1, 2012 I arrived to La Source for the first time. Since that day I can hardly remember what life was like before encountering the village. My first trip was surreal. As I walked through the village I was stunned by the poverty and the living conditions. But what shocked me even more was the overflow of joy and the way of life despite their circumstance. What I saw as a lack, the people of the village did not even know that they lacked. They had what they had and were happy about it. It was an eye opening experience to realize that there are people so poor that they don't even realize the extent of their poverty. As many others who have been to La Source can testify, the first trip experience is all but comfortable. I was one who had never been out of the country, never flown on a plane and certainly never sailed five hours on a wooden sailboat. Spending five days sleeping in a tent, showering with a hose and swatting mosquitos in 90 degree heat seems all but ideal, but somehow, the first thing I told my mom when arriving back into the states was "I HAVE to go back." Yes, I was hooked. I was struck by the awe-inspiring love the Haitian people showed me and a four year old little boy named Pippin had managed to melt my heart in less than three days.
Seven months later I found myself back in La Source and this time with my mother right by my side. She had seen the excitement and passion I had for the village and with a little convincing and prayer, she decided she had to experience it for herself. Having her with me to share the love I have for the village and now an understanding of why I am so passionate about it was incredible. After leaving the village for a second time though, it was ten times harder than it had been the first time. A few months later I returned to Haiti a third time and struggled even more when leaving. The weeks after the trip I questioned God a lot. I could not understand why He had given me a love so deep for a people who live so far away. No phone calls to check in during the months between trips. No emails to soothe the pain of missing them. Not even letters back and forth. No, the only way to see or communicate with La Source is to get on a plane, ride on a bus and then a several hour boat ride to the island. This is difficult to accept. I was angry and resentful. I asked God why La Source and Pippin were brought into my life. It seemed the pain of missing them and waiting months for the next trip just wasn't worth it. But God soon showed me otherwise. Now as I prepare myself to leave La Source I remember that things God teaches me through those people far exceed any pain I endure upon leaving and the months of separation.
I have met people who have forever changed my life; even someone I plan on spending the rest of my life with. So as I wrestle with the "post leaving La Source struggles" I remember the reasons that I continue to return and even more I thank God for each trip He allows me to take. When I start to question God's will or ask why me, why La Source? I imagine Peter obeying Jesus' call to step out of the boat. I see myself doubting and beginning to sink just as Peter did. But then Jesus puts out His hand and I hear him say, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”
28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said,“Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind,[c] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33 And those in the boat worshiped him, saying,“Truly you are the Son of God.”
Nearly three years ago I stepped onto a boat to sail to a small, remote village off the mainland of Haiti. This village is called La Source and ironically, in less than three years has become "the source" of so much of my joy and happiness. Little did I know that by stepping onto that boat I was actually "stepping out of the boat". On April 1, 2012 I arrived to La Source for the first time. Since that day I can hardly remember what life was like before encountering the village. My first trip was surreal. As I walked through the village I was stunned by the poverty and the living conditions. But what shocked me even more was the overflow of joy and the way of life despite their circumstance. What I saw as a lack, the people of the village did not even know that they lacked. They had what they had and were happy about it. It was an eye opening experience to realize that there are people so poor that they don't even realize the extent of their poverty. As many others who have been to La Source can testify, the first trip experience is all but comfortable. I was one who had never been out of the country, never flown on a plane and certainly never sailed five hours on a wooden sailboat. Spending five days sleeping in a tent, showering with a hose and swatting mosquitos in 90 degree heat seems all but ideal, but somehow, the first thing I told my mom when arriving back into the states was "I HAVE to go back." Yes, I was hooked. I was struck by the awe-inspiring love the Haitian people showed me and a four year old little boy named Pippin had managed to melt my heart in less than three days.
Seven months later I found myself back in La Source and this time with my mother right by my side. She had seen the excitement and passion I had for the village and with a little convincing and prayer, she decided she had to experience it for herself. Having her with me to share the love I have for the village and now an understanding of why I am so passionate about it was incredible. After leaving the village for a second time though, it was ten times harder than it had been the first time. A few months later I returned to Haiti a third time and struggled even more when leaving. The weeks after the trip I questioned God a lot. I could not understand why He had given me a love so deep for a people who live so far away. No phone calls to check in during the months between trips. No emails to soothe the pain of missing them. Not even letters back and forth. No, the only way to see or communicate with La Source is to get on a plane, ride on a bus and then a several hour boat ride to the island. This is difficult to accept. I was angry and resentful. I asked God why La Source and Pippin were brought into my life. It seemed the pain of missing them and waiting months for the next trip just wasn't worth it. But God soon showed me otherwise. Now as I prepare myself to leave La Source I remember that things God teaches me through those people far exceed any pain I endure upon leaving and the months of separation.
I have met people who have forever changed my life; even someone I plan on spending the rest of my life with. So as I wrestle with the "post leaving La Source struggles" I remember the reasons that I continue to return and even more I thank God for each trip He allows me to take. When I start to question God's will or ask why me, why La Source? I imagine Peter obeying Jesus' call to step out of the boat. I see myself doubting and beginning to sink just as Peter did. But then Jesus puts out His hand and I hear him say, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”
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